365 چالش کوچک و نکات روزانه برای حفظ انگیزه شما و هر روز الهام گرفته در سال 2023

من هم مانند بسیاری از شما، روزهایی را در این زمستان برف گذرانده ام. اما آنها روزهای خوبی بودند! من سوار دوچرخه ورزشی شدم، نان قهوه ای ایرلندی پختم و یک پروژه لحاف شش ساله را احیا کردم. فکر کردم: همه‌گیری تقریباً یک سال مرا در خانه نگه داشت. چرا تا به حال این انرژی برای انجام کارها به دست آورده ام؟

پاسخ واقعاً مهم نیست. شما نمی توانید همیشه در خانه سازنده باشید، بیشتر از آن که می توانید هر روز در محل کار فوق العاده باشید. سوال این است که آیا می‌توانید از مواقعی که احساس شادی و مولد بودن می‌کنید لذت ببرید و در روزهایی که احساس می‌کنید و مانند یک حلزون حرکت می‌کنید، خودتان را شکست ندهید؟

بعد از آخرین متن من در مورد اینکه خودتان در محل کار هستید، یک نفر این پاسخ عالی را ارسال کرد : “من ۲۵ سال تلاش کردم تا در موقعیت هایی قرار دهم تا از خانواده و سبک زندگی خود حمایت کنم. بیش از یک سال پیش، نقش متفاوتی را در همان صنعت پذیرفتم و هرگز بیشتر از آن خودم نبودم. استرس، اضطراب و رضایت کلی این است. خیلی بهتر است. من حقوقم را کاهش دادم اما ارزشش را داشت.” او گفت وقتی روی اهداف خود تمرکز می کنید، تشخیص اینکه واقعاً چه کسی هستید دشوار است. این می تواند باعث شود که او احساس آفتاب پرستی کند.

آیا تا به حال احساس کرده اید که یک آفتاب پرست هستید؟ آیا حقوق کمتری را با شغلی عوض می‌کنید که به شما امکان می‌دهد بیشتر احساس کنید شبیه خودتان هستید؟ =”standardText” readability=”34″>

“بیش از حد فکر کردن عادتی است که زمانی ایجاد می کنیم که احساس ناامنی کنیم…این توهم است که می توانیم به امنیت “فکر” کنیم.” –نیکول لاپرا، روانشناس

آیا این کار را می‌کنید؟ انجام میدهم. در واقع، از آنجایی که بیشتر وقایع وحشتناک چیزهایی بودند که هرگز نگران آنها نبودم (یک بیماری همه گیر، حمله قلبی شوهرم)، بخشی از من معتقد است که اگر بتوانم نگران همه چیز باشم، هیچ اتفاق بدی نخواهد افتاد.

اما نمی توانم آینده را کنترل کنم. و زمانی که برای تلاش می گذرانم، تجربه حال را از من سلب می کند، زمانی که همه چیز خوب است. بیشتر از خوب من از این کار با خودم خسته شدم و این طرز فکر را تغییر خواهم داد. شما چطور؟

به هر اعتقادی که دارید، تحقیقات نشان می‌دهد افرادی که چند لحظه وقت می‌گذارند هر روز برای دیگران، از جمله افرادی که به آنها اهمیت می‌دهند، غریبه‌ها و خودشان، شادتر هستند و از رفاه بیشتری برخوردارند، آرزوی سلامتی بفرستند. فقط برای این آخر هفته، آیا می توانید هر روز چند لحظه برای خودتان، کسانی که دوستشان دارید، آشنایان، غریبه ها و شاید حتی افرادی که شما را عصبانی می کنند آرزوهای خوبی داشته باشید؟ و ببینید آیا آن چند لحظه حال و هوای شما را تغییر می دهد؟

آیا به افرادی که اعتماد به نفس به نظر می رسند اعتماد دارید؟ این فقط منطقی است. چه کسی می خواهید شما را عمل کنید؟ جراحي كه مي گويد: “اين عمل به راحتي انجام مي شود” يا جراحي كه مي گويد: “خطرات قابل توجهي وجود دارد، اما ما تمام تلاش خود را مي كنيم تا براي آنها آماده شويم.” مشکل، اثر دانینگ-کروگر است، که در آن افراد خیلی کم می دانند که نمی دانند چقدر کم می دانند.

افراد با اعتماد به نفس ممکن است باشند. واقعاً باهوش – یا ممکن است از دانینگ-کروگر رنج ببرند. برای فهمیدن این موضوع، سوالاتی بپرسید و دانش آنها را بررسی کنید. و کسانی که اعتماد به نفس ندارند را کنار نگذارید. آنها ممکن است آنقدر باهوش باشند که چیزهایی را که نمی دانند بدانند.

آیا از FOMO رنج می برید – ترس از دست دادن؟ من قربانی شکل وحشتناکی از آن هستم که، مهم نیست که چه کاری انجام می دهم، فکر می کنم باید کار دیگری انجام دهم. هوا به اندازه کافی خوب است که بتوان در «دفتر بیرونی» من، پاسیو ما با اجاق چوبی کوچک، کار کرد. پرندگان آواز می خوانند، اما من به جای لذت بردن از آن، نگران تمام کارهای حیاطی هستم که انجام نمی دهم.

اتلاف احمقانه و غیر ضروری یک روز زیبا است. همین جا، در حال حاضر، دقیقاً همان کاری را که باید انجام دهم و بهترین را برای من انجام می دهم. این را مدام به خودم یادآوری می‌کنم، آن را به یک مانترا تبدیل کنم. شما چطور؟

بنابراین این هفته از خود بپرسید: اولین نشانه های رشد چیست؟ در زندگی و کار شما؟ چه چیزی تازه شروع به نشان دادن است؟ چه چیزی ممکن است تا تابستان شکوفا شود؟

الون ماسک یک بار این توئیت را نوشت: “داروی جدیدی به نام رگرتامین منتشر شد. پاپ وان و تمام پشیمانی ها از بین رفت.”

ماسک ممکن است در حال حاضر از چند چیز پشیمان باشد. یا شاید هم نه، چه کسی می داند؟ اما اگر او را کنار بگذارم، ایده قرصی را دوست دارم که تمام حسرت ها را از بین می برد. اگه همچین چیزی بود قبولش میکردی؟ به دنبال رفع کدام پشیمانی هستید؟ یا از هیچ چیز پشیمان نیستید؟ (برخی افراد به پشیمانی اعتقادی ندارند. آیا شما هم جزو آنها هستید؟)

و مهمتر از همه: اگر پشیمان هستید، آیا می توانید آنها را حتی بدون Regretamine رها کنید؟

آیا تا به حال به شما راهنمایی شده است؟

جامعه متن، من به نظرات شما برای فصل کتاب نیاز دارم؟ دارم مینویسم آیا تا به حال یک مربی یا مربی داشته اید، چه در یک برنامه راهنمایی رسمی یا غیررسمی، کسی که شما را راهنمایی کند و به شما کمک کند؟ اگر چنین است، آیا آنها مربیان خوبی بودند؟ چگونه به شما کمک کردند؟ چگونه استاد یا مربیان خود را پیدا کردید؟ من فکر می‌کنم مربیگری بسیار مهم است، اما همچنین فکر می‌کنم افراد تعاریف بسیار متفاوتی از منتورینگ و تجربیات متفاوتی از آن دارند، بنابراین می‌خواهم تعاریف شما را بشنوم.

از همه کسانی که به سؤال مربوط به راهنمایی پاسخ دادند سپاسگزاریم. چیزی که من از بسیاری از شما شنیدم این است که راهنمایی زمانی که غیررسمی و کوتاه مدت باشد بهترین کار را دارد، زمانی که بزرگتری را پیدا کنید که مایل به اشتراک گذاری دانش است. یک نفر گفت، علیرغم اینکه در یک برنامه آموزشی رسمی حضور دارید، این کار موثرتر است که خودتان به دنبال مربیان غیررسمی باشید. یک نفر خاطرنشان کرد که مربیگری می تواند متقابل باشد – شما از یکدیگر یاد می گیرید.

این باعث شد به این فکر کنم: شاید هرکسی که ملاقات می کنیم چنین باشد. چیزی برای یاد دادن به ما و چیزی برای یادگیری از ما و ترفند این است که آن چیزها را پیدا کنیم. نظر شما چیست؟

پس این آخر هفته، از خود بپرسید: چه کسی در زندگی شماست. ممکن است از شما بیشتر از آنچه اکنون دریافت می کنند نیاز داشته باشند؟ آیا به نظر می رسد کسی به کمک نیاز دارد اما نمی خواهد آن را بپرسد؟ آیا کسی سکوت کرده است و آیا باید با او تماس بگیرید؟

آیا شغل خود را دوست دارید؟ برخی از شما به من پیام داده اید که می گویید که انجام می دهید، و چند نفر از شما گفته اید که شانس کسب درآمد بیشتر را برای انجام کاری که برای شما مناسب است را از دست داده اید. من در مورد این مبادلات فکر می کنم.

اگر شغلی دارید که دوست دارید، چه فداکاری هایی برای رسیدن به آن انجام داده اید و آیا ارزش داشتند؟ اگر شغلی دارید (یا داشته اید) که از آن متنفر هستید، آیا معاوضه هایی وجود داشته که ارزش آن را داشته باشد؟ آیا احساس کردید که چاره ای ندارید؟ همه ما در مورد این سوالات انتخاب های مختلفی می کنیم. انتخاب های مناسب برای شما چه بوده است؟

چگونه نگرش خود را تغییر می‌دهید؟

من اخیراً دچار مشکل شدم. ماشین من له شده است و من از کاغذبازی های مربوط به آن بسیار آزرده ام، این واقعیت است که من فقط ۳۳۰ دلار از پرداخت ماشین به دست آوردم، و اکنون از سررسیدهای مختلف عقب تر هستم. من همچنین می دانم که خوش شانس هستم که آسیب جدی ندیده ام و ماشین و ضرب الاجل ها در مقایسه با آنها اهمیتی ندارند. و اینکه شوهرم و دوستمان آنجا بودند تا مرا از منطقه بین ایالتی نجات دهند. همینطور که این را تایپ می کنم، متوجه می شوم که واقعاً چیزهای زیادی برای شکرگزاری دارم.

شاید نوشتن آنچه در زندگی شما خوب است بتواند به شما کمک کند. شما برای آن احساس سپاسگزاری می کنید نظر شما چیست؟

دالایی لاما می گوید: “اگر می خواهی دیگران شاد باشند، شفقت را تمرین کن. اگر می خواهی شاد باشی، شفقت را تمرین کن.” تحقیقات مغزی نشان می‌دهد که او درست می‌گوید.

بنابراین، این هفته، حداقل یک بار در روز چند ثانیه وقت بگذارید و به افکار مهربانانه فکر کنید و خوب ارسال کنید. برای کسی آرزو می کند که معمولا نمی خواهید. شخص مزاحم که برای همیشه در صف جلوتر از شما قرار می گیرد. غریبه هایی که ماشین هایشان را در کنار شما در بزرگراه رانندگی می کنند. و بله، حتی کسانی که دیدگاه های سیاسی دارند که شما از آنها متنفر هستید. بسیاری از ما این روزها احساس خشم می کنیم، و بنابراین می دانم که این ممکن است به راحتی انجام نشود. و با این حال فکر می‌کنم ممکن است مهم باشد.

آیا سعی می‌کنید سخت‌گیر باشید حتی زمانی که ممکن است برای شما بد باشد؟

من یک سرزنش در مورد این از یک دوست عاقل. شما ممکن است بدانید که من اخیراً عقب افتاده بودم. از آن زمان برای اولین بار پیاده روی واقعی با او رفتم. می‌خواستم چهار مایلی را که برنامه‌ریزی کرده بودیم بروم، اما دوستم مجبورم کرد بعد از سه مایل توقف کنم. او همچنین مرا تحت فشار قرار داد تا مراقبت های پزشکی بعدی را دریافت کنم که احتمالاً هوشمندانه است اما من مقاومت می کنم. من اکثرا اوکی هستم، اما نه ۱۰۰ درصد. ساعت ها نشستن پشت میز من باعث می شود کمرم درد بگیرد. با این حال، می‌خواهم اصرار کنم که می‌توانم تمام ضرب‌الاجل‌هایم را رعایت کنم و نیازی به مراقبت خاصی ندارم.

آیا این کار را انجام می‌دهید. راه زمانی که شما صدمه دیده؟ اگر چنین است، چرا این کار را با خود انجام می دهیم؟

I recently saw a presentation by Sabrina Butler, the only woman to be exonerated from Death Row in the U.S. At 18, she was convicted of murdering her infant son. In fact, he had died of a genetic kidney disease and was bruised from her performing CPR, attempting to revive him. She spent six years on death row before new pro bono lawyers got her a new trial where she was acquitted.

How did she stay sane those years, alone in a cell 23 hours each day? “I started writing a journal to try to help myself,” she said. Writing down your thoughts and experiences is a powerful tool for self-healing. Have you tried it yet?

As you know, I was in a car accident. The insurance company is declaring the car a total loss and offered me a payment for close to what it would cost to buy the same-year car again. It sounded pretty good and I had a very nice person on the phone asking if I accepted it. I stalled instead saying I’d do some research and get back to her. Then she sent me a breakdown of how they arrived at their offer and I could see they were under-valuing my car and that they should pay more. I’m going to go back with some evidence for why.

I guess the moral is never say yes too fast, especially not to a large corporation.

How much do you do on autopilot?

Like driving a familiar route and when you get there, you realize you were daydreaming the whole time? Or: I realize my teeth have been brushed but I have no recollection of brushing them. This weekend, can you pick one simple activity you usually do without thinking and give it your full attention? Notice sights, sounds, smells, sensations, and perhaps taste? (I nominate drinking coffee or whichever beverage you prefer.)

This is mindfulness 101, but I myself find it challenging because I live in my head. If you try it, let me know how it goes for you.

How good are you at forgiving yourself when you drop the ball?

I had a Zoom meeting scheduled with other writers and it was my job to send out a calendar invite. About 45 minutes before the meeting, I discovered to my horror that I never sent that invite. Fortunately they were all still able to attend. It’s the kind of thing that usually causes me a few hours of anguish. I’m mad at myself for failing at a commitment and worried I can’t trust my own memory. I shook it off this time, perhaps because there was no harm done.

How about you? When you neglect or forget commitments, do you give yourself a break?

How much is your identity tied up with your job or profession?

I was having a coaching session and while talking about the possibility of retiring someday, I said in passing, “If I weren’t writing, I don’t know who I’d be.” The coach made me stop and think about that. She pointed out that defining my identity this way limits my freedom. She’s right about that. Being a writer has been my identity for my entire adult life, so this will require some soul searching for me.

What about you? How much does–or doesn’t–your idea of who you are come from what you do? How does that help you? How does it limit you?

Every day this week, make sure to have at least one good laugh. I don’t mean a giggle or a chuckle, I mean a proper belly laugh, one that goes on for a while, one that makes tears stream down your face. Watch your favorite sitcom or funny animal video; read Dave Barry; whatever it takes–at least once per day–and let me know how it goes. This video from Frasier of Niles preparing for a date does it for me, but your mileage may vary.

How good are you at loving people just for who they are?

My parents always seemed to love and value me for my accomplishments–what I did rather than who I was. It may have driven me toward achievement but it left me with a terror of screwing up that I’ve never been able to shake. They’re both gone now, but I fear I sometimes take that same attitude into my own relationships, especially with family. I know this kind of conditional love isn’t necessarily good for the people in my life, so I’m taking Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to try to change.

How about you? Do you love the people in your life for what they do or who they are?

As some of you know, I was in a car accident, my car was totaled, and the insurance company is offering less than it was worth. I found an appraiser who can negotiate for me. He thinks he can get the offer up a couple thousand, which would be much more than he charges. I find myself hesitating because…I’m scared of hurting the insurance company’s feelings. It might get mad at me! Isn’t that insane? Why am I attaching so much nonsensical meaning to a simple financial transaction? Why do I let money push my emotional buttons like this?

Does this happen to you too? How does money push your emotional buttons?

I’m writing this on our patio next to our outdoor wood stove which I adore. It’s working again after my husband climbed a ladder in the cold and dark last night to put the chimney back up with a new, better brace after one too many windy nights almost blew it over. It was important, he said, because he knew this is my special spot to escape to. I love that he understands what I love.

Do you have someone like that in your life like that, who gets you and tries to give you what you need? Not necessarily a partner or spouse, might be a family member or good friend. If so, that’s truly something to be grateful for.

Do you you practice the presumption of good faith?

If you disagree with someone, do you start from the belief that they mean well? It’s tough to do in these polarized times. If you’re good at doing it in person, can you also assume good faith if someone disagrees with you on Facebook, or other social media? This runs against the norms of today, when outrage is the most common reaction to anything we don’t like.

Sometimes when you assume the best, you will be proved wrong. But I still believe it would be a better world if that’s where we all started from. Will you give it a try?

Do you like spending time alone?

I’ve read that for some people, spending time alone is like chocolate–they crave it, but not as a steady diet. That describes me, perhaps because I was the only child of busy parents, accustomed to living inside my own head for long stretches with no interruption. After decades of marriage, both of us working at home, time alone can feel luxurious…unless it goes on too long.

Do you look forward to time on your own? Do you dread it? How much is not enough, and how much is too much?

Do you try too hard to go it alone?

This is a major failing of mine. My husband has spent many years reminding me gently and sometimes not so gently to ask for help when I need it. Dealing with the insurance company over my totaled car was a good example. Their number was too low so I tried to negotiate on my own. They sent back a “new offer” identical to the first offer. That’s when I hired the appraiser, who’s done this for 30 years. He got them to come up almost 40 percent. I may think I should be able to do everything on my own but I can’t, and that’s OK.

How about you? Are you good or bad at asking for help?

As the winter drags on do you feel like you’ve lost efficiency and productivity? I know I do. One thing that helps is at the end of the day to write down what you’ve accomplished in the previous 24 hours. It forces you to focus on the positive, when our brains tend to focus on the negative. And it helps you end the day on a good note. I’ve been doing this for many months, ever since I first heard about it, and I find it really does help my mood.

For this week, will you give it a try?

Do you listen to music while working?

If so, how do you choose? I often listen to ambient or binaural music for focus or to shut out other noises. But when I’m working on my book, I almost always use Bach. چرا؟ Studies have shown that Bach aids concentration and relaxation and when I’m working on the book, I want all the help I can get. Plus, it seems to me that associating Bach with writing the book turns the music into a cue that gets my brain on track a bit faster. This only works because I like Bach, otherwise I’d have to find something else.

What about you? Is there music that does or doesn’t help you concentrate?

I read this from psychologist Nicole LePera: “Connection through gossip, emotional dumping, or crisis situations is common for those who were conditioned in homes of chaos.”

It perfectly describes an ex-friend of mine who lives for gossip and creating crises. I also know that she was raised by a mother who was more flamboyant than nurturing. But I never connected those two facts until I read that sentence.

When people anger or disappoint you, can you take a moment to ask yourself whether their frustrating behavior might result from their own histories and what their past experiences have taught them?

How good are you at starting habits and sticking with them, or stopping habits you don’t want and sticking with not doing them?

I’m reading BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits and it’s giving me insight into to redesigning our own behavior. I also finally start unpacking some items I hadn’t seen since we moved four years ago. Some of you have said you can also use this sort of self-help. So I’ll provide some special ideas and micro-challenges inspired by the Tiny Habits method all during March.

Can you eliminate one task from your list of responsibilities?

Look at all the things you have to do, and for each ask yourself: Will doing this make me happy? If no, could someone else do this instead? And also: What would happen if this just didn’t get done? Eventually you’ll find something you can decide not to do. It might affect your image of yourself as the person who always rotates their tires/goes to the special market to get the organic food/keeps everything tidy and organized. That’s Ok.

Now take that extra time and do something that brings you joy.

What has being different cost you?

In Jeff Bezos’ final letter as Amazon CEO, he made this point: Everyone tells you to “be yourself.” No one tells you that being yourself always comes at a price. The world will always pressure you to be like everyone else so being different or original requires constant effort to resist that pressure. But, he said, that effort is well worth it.

In what ways are you different from everyone around you? How hard has it been to keep that distinctiveness alive? What effect has it had on your life? And has it been worth it?

Do you struggle with your own bad impulses and negative emotions?

Tim Ferriss, best known for The 4-Hour Workweek, wore a pin that said, “Sometimes I wrestle with my demons and sometimes we just snuggle.” I love that idea. If you’re like me, you spend lots of time criticizing yourself for negative thoughts and emotions. It might be better to let those feelings in, revel in them, wallow in them, and thoroughly explore them. That in itself might dissipate some of those feelings. If it doesn’t, at least you’ll stop feeling bad about feeling bad. I’m going to give it a try. How about you?

I recently asked you to end the day by writing what you achieved. Now I’m challenging you to keep a general record of your life — a journal, audio or video recording (vlog), or images if you’re artistic. A place to store your hopes, wishes, goals, frustrations, and experiences. One person in this text community keeps a sentence-a-day journal, first on paper, now in a spreadsheet. She says: “Now I can relive so many days, moments, successes, challenges, adventures I might have otherwise forgotten.”

Just for this week, will you give it a try? https://tinyurl.com/yd88rp5u

I watched a talk recently by Malcolm Gladwell about hierarchies vs. networks. For example, Martin Luther King’s march at Birmingham was a hierarchy, with King leading, whereas Black Lives Matter is a network, people coming together without a distinct leader and with more freedom to participate however they choose.

Both systems have their advantages, he said, but networks are a newer model, enabled by the internet. Gladwell said before the pandemic both models coexisted but because of the pandemic and the move to remote work, the network model will dominate going forward. Do you think he’s right?

Habits Micro-Challenge 1: How do you feel about your own habits?

When we fail to form a good habit, or fall into a bad one, most of us scold ourselves to do better. It turns out this is the opposite of helpful. So BJ Fogg starts Tiny Habits with an important exercise I’ve adapted slightly for you. Get a Post-It or piece of paper and write: “I do better when I feel good, not when I feel bad.” Then stick it somewhere you will see it every day. (Mine is on my bathroom mirror.)

When it comes to creating new habits, the more you are kind to yourself, the more success you will have. It’s counterintuitive, but true.

Do you tend to speak up or sit silent during meetings?

It turns out in most meetings, three people do 70 percent of the talking. If that’s not you–if you tend to be quiet–consider pushing yourself to speak up at least once near the beginning of the meeting. People who share ideas or concerns early in a meeting wind up shaping the whole discussion and they gain extra attention for their views, according to Susan Cain, bestselling author of Quiet.

Sharing your thoughts early in the meeting means they’ll get the attention they deserve, and so will you. Should you give it a try?

Habits Micro-Challenge 2: Today’s micro-challenge is to shift your thinking about good habits and your ability to create them. BJ Fogg uses a simple formula: behavior = motivation + ability + prompt. (BMAP)

To do something, you have to want to do it, be able to do it, and have an internal or external prompt to do it at this moment. If your desire is low or the difficulty is high, you won’t do it. Failure doesn’t mean you’re lazy or bad. It means the habit was poorly designed! You can redesign it.

Next time you fail to do something, don’t scold yourself. Look for ways to make it easier.

If one of the richest entrepreneurs in the world gave the same advice about success, would you listen? Well, he just did. Jeff Bezos said, “Create more than you consume.” Each day, we get chances to give more than we get or vice versa. You do a job really well, or just well enough. You pass a candy wrapper on a trail and either pick it up or walk on by.

What if Bezos is right that success comes from giving more, doing extra? Will that change how you do things?

How good are you when plans change?

I’m good at executing a plan. I’m not so good if the plan won’t work. Since my electric car got totaled, I’ve been shopping for another electric. I’d planned to never own a gas car again. But the car market is screwy and I can’t find one I like and can afford. So I gave in and let my incredibly sweet husband buy me a cheap but cute little red Fiat 500 till I find the EV I want. Then it’ll be our “extra” car. I’m part sad to be back in a gas car, part happy because it’s so cute and fun and such a nice gift.

I’m bad at going with the flow. But I’m working on it. How about you?

Habits Micro-Challenge 3: “It’s going to be a great day!”

This is a super-simple and very tiny habit, which Fogg calls The Maui Habit. When your feet hit the floor first thing in the morning, think to yourself or say out loud: “It’s going to be a great day!” Sounds hokey, but BJ Fogg reports that doing this every day helped his sister through some extremely tough times. At least for this weekend, just give it a try. I sometimes adjust it: “It’s going to be a great day, dentist visit and all!” Or, “It’s going to be a great day because I’m going to get my book chapter finished!”

Feel free to experiment and if you try it, let me know how it goes.

What does “success” mean to you?

There’s a chapter about this in  my new book, and the more I think about it, the more it seems like a journey with no destination. No matter how much you achieve, there’s always something more to aim for, another hill to climb, mountains beyond mountains. Do you see it this way too? Or is there a specific thing that, if you accomplished it, you would feel successful? Or, have you accomplished whatever it is and already see yourself that way?

If that’s not you, what if, whatever you haven’t accomplished, you declared yourself a success right now? What would change? What would stay the same?

Habits Micro-Challenge 4: Forget motivation. You want to take a morning yoga Zoom class. Day after day you get up too late or can’t get yourself to do it. You remind yourself that yoga is important for health, scold yourself for being lazy, or promise yourself a reward.

You’re trying to motivate yourself, but motivation is an unreliable thing, especially over time. Instead, set out your mat so you can roll out of bed and go straight to yoga. Leave your phone on the mat as a prompt.

This week, forget motivation and redesign the habits you want to make them easier with better prompts. And let me know how it goes.

Do you know someone with Asperger’s?

If you’d asked me that two years ago, I’d have said no, and I’d have been wrong. In January 2020, my husband was watching videos of speakers describing Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism, when he realized they were talking about him. I was skeptical, but online diagnostic tests and a friend who works with autistic children confirmed he was right.

Many adults who have Asperger’s don’t know they have it. خجالت آوره. Life is a lot better for Aspies and those who love them with just a little better understanding of how their minds work.

Habits Micro-Challenge 5: Celebrate!

What’s missing when most people try to form a new habit? They don’t celebrate. If you want to lock in a tiny habit, stop and praise yourself and feel happy every time you do it, right at that moment. Promising yourself a reward later is fine but not enough. Next time you do a good habit, stop and say, “Yay me!” Or pat yourself on the back, or hum “We are the champions.”

You did good. So just for a few seconds, celebrate and be happy. The habit will stick better if you do.

Are you forgetting something important?

I was. While working on tiny habits and self-improvement I forgot the importance of making things fun. When we’re struggling with big projects or working to make positive changes (or both, as I am right now) it’s easy to forget the importance of fun. But the truth is, the more fun we have–in our lives, in our work, and in any kind of self-improvement we try–the better it will go. Also, life isn’t worth living without fun.

As you work on our Micro-Challenges or anything else, ask yourself: How can I make this fun? It’s an important question. Don’t skimp on the answer.

Should good guys stay good and bad guys stay bad?

That was the debate between my husband and me after watching the trailer for Cruella. “Movies these days either turn good guys into bad guys or bad guys into good guys,” he complained. “Maybe,” I said. “But I think that’s a good thing.” He longs for the days when superheroes were true good guys and never killed anyone intentionally as today’s superheroes sometimes do. I see his point but I appreciate a little moral complexity, even in cartoon characters.

How about you? Do you prefer heroes and villains to be pure good or pure evil? Or do you like a little bit of both?

Habits Micro-Challenge 6: Create your own tiny habit recipe.

We moved from New York to Washington seven years ago and all that time, most of my (not valuable) earrings and necklaces sat wrapped up in boxes on my dresser, something I never had time for. So I created this recipe: Once a day, when I walk into the bedroom, I unpack just one piece of jewelry, then I celebrate by snapping my fingers. Over a few weeks I’ve got most of it unpacked this way.

Now it’s your turn. Put together a recipe for a habit–remember to make it truly tiny and to celebrate when you do it. And let me know how it goes.

How do you break from your daily routine?

Yesterday, I had to get my teeth cleaned which involved driving into the north part of Seattle. I was right near Lake Washington, so I went for a long walk by the lake, then took my laptop into a nearby restaurant and worked over lunch. After that, I bought an abutilon (a.k.a. Flowering Maple) at one of my favorite plant stores and drove home. I can’t tell you how much this simple little deviation from my usual work-at-home daily routine improved my mood. Sometimes, it doesn’t take much.

What about you? What small variations in your daily routine make you feel happy?

Habits Micro-Challenge 7: How do tiny habits become big habits?

How do you get from just putting on your running shoes every day to running a 5k? That may seem like the big question. Your challenge is: Don’t worry too much about it. Tiny habits tend to grow on their own. My tiny habit to unpack one piece of jewelry a day grew into also straightening out my office and doing a small amount of house cleaning instead of waiting till it’s unbearable.

The key is: Pick a habit you want to do, do it consistently, and celebrate. That feeling of success will make you want more and it will happen naturally. I promise.

Can you forgive yourself when you don’t feel how you think you should?

My husband threw his back out while tackling a household chore at my request. So I should feel concerned and contrite but instead I feel annoyed at his back and him. And that’s OK. Marriage is for the long haul, and some days I feel the way I’m supposed to, other days I don’t. I’ll probably feel solicitous and nurturing tomorrow.

What about you? Do you sometimes have emotional reactions that aren’t what you wish they were? When that happens, can you forgive yourself for being human?

Habits Micro-Challenge 8: How to troubleshoot a failed habit.

Not every habit you start will take. اشکالی ندارد. When a habit fails, don’t beat yourself up and don’t focus on motivation. Instead, try making it easier or giving yourself a better prompt. For ages, I failed to start an 8-minute meditation habit daily instead of just sometimes. I take a bath nearly every day so I tried meditating right after, often in my bathrobe. It worked because I created a better prompt.

Your turn. Next time a habit fails (and some will) don’t get mad. Make it easier or get a better prompt.

What gives you confidence?

In work and in life, we often have to take a chance and put ourselves out there in order to grow. This takes confidence–but where do you get that confidence? One study at Carnegie Mellon showed that people with a supportive spouse or partner gain confidence that way. They were more willing to take risks, and six months later reported more growth than those without that support.

But there are lots of other ways to become more confident. What has worked for you?

How do you react when you’re accused of something you didn’t do?

It’s normal to get angry. Unfortunately, a recent study shows, when you react to a false accusation with anger, people tend to think you’re guilty. It’s even worse not to respond at all. If you want people to believe you, you must answer calmly and logically, even if you’re boiling inside. Also, our instinct to distrust someone who reacts with anger is wrong. The innocent get angrier than the guilty when falsely accused, the study shows.

Something to remember next time you need to figure out if someone really did it or not.

Habits Micro-Challenge 9: How to stop a bad habit.

Note: There’s a difference between a bad habit and an addiction for which you need an addiction specialist or program.

Think of a bad habit as a snarled thread you untangle by working it gently a bit at a time. Your habit of eating junk food, say, is really several habits. Donuts for breakfast, chips at lunch, etc. List them all, then pick the easiest to stop. Try removing the prompt–bring coffee from home and don’t go to the coffee shop with the donuts. Or, make it harder: Bring only enough money for coffee.

Take it slow. You can unsnarl the whole habit this way.

Do you struggle with guilt?

For my book, I sent out this question: What’s the hardest part of being a working parent? Many who responded talked about constantly feeling guilty. Guilty about work when caring for their kids, guilty about the kids when focusing on work, and guilty about both whenever they took time for themselves. I’m not a parent, but it made me realize how many of us spend so much time feeling guilty about what we’re not doing. If I could just get rid of the guilt, I could do the exact same things but be much, much happier.

What do you feel guilty about? Would you be happier if you stopped?

Habits Micro-Challenge 10: Getting someone else to change a habit.

Your own bad habits may bother you, but your spouse’s or children’s makes you homicidal. Complaining or threatening only makes things worse. Instead, ask for something very tiny, like to put their socks in the hamper. Or just one sock. When they do it, thank them immediately to make them feel successful. It’s best if you pick a habit they themselves want to change.

Don’t rush. It takes patience to get someone else to change a habit. Be positive. Remember, just like you, they will do better by feeling good than by feeling bad.

Britney Spears said she’s “not here to be anyone’s slave.”

She was asking to end the conservatorship that gave her father the power to decide everything from the color of her kitchen cabinets to whether she had children–and to make her perform against her will. She asked: If she was well enough to keep performing and bringing in millions, why wasn’t she well enough to manage her own life? It seemed a reasonable question.

Many of us dream of being super-famous (I know I have). But sometimes fame looks an awful lot like being imprisoned, even if you don’t have a conservator. Would it be worth it? What do you think?

Habits Micro-Challenge 11: To feel good in 3 minutes, try a “celebration blitz.”

۱٫ Find a very messy spot in your home or office.

For every single item you put away or get rid of, celebrate like crazy! Say, “Yay, me!” Do a fist pump, etc.

۴٫ When the timer goes off, stop and tune in to your feelings. Chances are, you’ll feel happier than before the blitz. Not because your space is neater (although that’s nice). Because you’ve given yourself small victories, self-affirmation, and a lot of celebration.

We all need these things so desperately and we don’t always get them.

Have you ever done something that had unintended consequences?

I can think of a few haircuts and birthday presents that went badly awry for me. But I’ve never had anything go quite as wrong as the woman at the Tour de France who held up a sign in front of TV cameras to say hi to her grandparents as the pack biked toward her. She wound up causing a  massive cyclist pileup. Reports say she immediately fled the country and is facing a lawsuit by the race organizers.

What’s the biggest unintended consequence you’ve ever caused? Looking back, was there a way to foresee how it would go wrong?

Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the event.

A couple of years ago, I was very afraid of a Monday in August. I live in the Pacific Northwest, where there was a historic heat wave at the time. We were warned Monday would get up to 107F where I live. Would I be Ok? My heat-sensitive husband? Our friends? Few have AC as summers are traditionally in the 70s.

Monday came and I woke with dread. But I took a cool bath. Bill made an ad hoc air conditioner with ice and a fan. Our friends were fine. Evening came and it was over, at least for the moment.

I’m not saying there’s nothing to fear. But sometimes the fear is worse than the reality. Has this ever happened to you?

Habits Micro-Challenge 12: Finding habits that matter. This is the last Habit Micro-Challenge for March, and the hardest.

۱٫ Think about something that is truly important to you. “Be a better parent” rather than “Lose 5 pounds,” for example.

۲٫ Set a 3-minute timer and write a list of the easiest one-time things you could do to meaningfully move toward that goal.

۳٫ Reset the timer and write a list of the tiniest habits you could create to meaningfully move toward that goal.

That’s it, you’ve done the challenge. If you pick items off either list, or both, and do them, that’s extra credit.

I recently read about research that shows relationships work better when the people in them don’t look to each other to meet all their emotional needs. Couples are happier when each person has others in their lives to count on for different things–a work friend you talk shop with, a hiking buddy if your spouse doesn’t like the woods, and so on. Researchers dubbed these extra people Other Significant Others, or OSOs.

Whether we’re single or coupled, we all need OSOs in our lives. Who are your OSOs? What needs do they fill for you, and you for them?

What should you stop holding on to?

As you know, I recently unpacked some jewelry that’s been in boxes for years, since we moved from the East Coast. Most is inexpensive but there are a few nice pieces from a wealthy aunt who died when I was in my twenties that I’ve hung on to all this time. I’ve started wondering if it’s time to pass some of these items along to my step-granddaughters, now in their twenties. Even if they’re valuable, I’d never sell them, and I never wear them. So giving them away makes sense, yet I’m finding it hard to let go.

What are you having trouble letting go of? And why is it so hard?

What’s most important right now?

Yesterday, my husband was heading out to look at a bass he wanted to buy. We’re leaving on a trip and we’d been discussing how to get to the airport. Then I reminded him to call a towing service to get our car to the garage. He tapped his head and said, “Too many things in the brain is no good.”

He was right. I pile obligations into my cranium until I’m too stressed to handle any of them. If I stopped to ask myself what’s important–right now–I’d be much better off. So I’m going to try it a few times a day, decide what’s important now and (temporarily) let the rest go.

March Habits Recap: How did last month’s habits go for you?

I’ve gained a much better understanding of how seemingly insignificant actions can add up to something powerful. Please let me know how it worked for you, good or bad. For fun, I’ve signed up for the 5-day Tiny Habits online course. It takes 25 minutes for an initial session watching videos, then a few minutes a day for the next 4 days. And it’s free.

If you decide to do it, let me know so we can chat by text about it. It takes 3 minutes to sign up.

Back to regular Micro-Challenges in April.

What does “with all due respect” mean to you?

I was surprised to learn of a survey that shows that a meaningful portion of people consider this a positive rather than a negative phrase (i.e., it’s a genuine expression of respect rather than a slight). Not only that, if you’re a man, you’re more likely to hear this phrase as a positive than if you’re a woman. I myself think of it as code for “You’re being stupider than you should be.”

Whether you’re a woman or a man, it’s useful to remember that the things you say might have a completely different meaning to the person who’s listening.

People often think it’s about making others afraid of you, but the real secret is more subtle, and more challenging. It begins with  respecting yourself and giving yourself the same consideration you would give to someone else you love. And then it’s finding ways to be assertive without being aggressive, to stand up for yourself and make sure you get what you deserve without getting angry or starting a fight. That’s much easier to say (or text) than it is to do. But those who can do it have a quiet authority no one can ignore.

What do you do to make others respect you?

Do you ever struggle with procrastination?

I’m having a huge problem with that myself right now as I’m supposed to be writing the next chapter of my book. But I know from some recent research that  procrastination is about negative feelings, not laziness. In this case, my anxiety that I won’t get the book done on time and that I don’t have anything worthwhile to say that people will want to read.

This week and in general, when you find yourself procrastinating, can you not scold yourself and instead ask: What am I afraid/anxious/resentful/unhappy about?

Spring is setting in here in the Pacific Northwest. The trees are covered with blossoms and the daffodils, hyacinth, and primrose in our yard are blooming in yellow and purple. Instead of enjoying it, though, I’m worrying about the planting and weeding I haven’t done and the dead leaves I haven’t cleaned out of the flower bed. If I’m not careful, springtime can become one more thing to stress about instead of the source of joy it should be.

How about you? Are you good at just enjoying the beauty in life? Or do you let worry about what you should have done ruin your pleasure in what is?

Can you let go of past failures?

Consider gymnast Jade Carey. In the last Olympics, she was heavily favored to win a medal in the vault. Then she accidentally “stutter stepped” and ended up in 8th place and badly rattled.

Fellow gymnast Simone Biles told her: “Let it go and move on. It happened and you can’t do anything about it.” Carey managed to follow that advice. The next night she won gold with the best floor routine of her life.

It’s so hard to let go of things we did wrong in the past, yet it’s the only way to set ourselves free. Is there anything you’re holding on to and need to let go of so you can fly like Jade Carey?

What do your clothes say about you?

I’m thinking about clothes a lot this week mostly because I’m traveling and only have so many clothing items to choose from. I’m seeing family members and friends I haven’t seen in 2 1/2 years and won’t see again till sometime next year or later. So however I look when I see them is how they’ll remember me for a while. Should I dress to fit in? To stand out? Upscale? Casual? Each of these choices communicates something about who I am and how I see myself.

What about you? What do your clothing choices communicate about who you are and how you see yourself?

This was inspired by a member of this text community. She answered my text about unfinished yard work by asking: Is that really what’s important?

She talked about making time instead to connect with people you care about, especially if you’ve been out of touch. That reminded me that my oldest friend (since I was 11!) just had a birthday and I didn’t call him. So I’m going to get in touch and, I hope, have one of our marathon phone conversations this weekend.

That’s your challenge too: Reach out to someone you’ve been out of touch with. And maybe leave the yard work and the housework for another time.

Is it Ok to flirt in the workplace?

Most people say no. But men are about three times likelier to think workplace flirting is fine than women are. That could lead to unpleasant misunderstandings. Same goes for shouting in the workplace, and also talking about sex. Most people think these things are inappropriate, but some people think they’re just fine. Men are slightly more likely to think so, the survey found.

Do you ever flirt, shout at other people, or talk about sex at work? If you do, do you know how your co-workers feel about it?

What dumb things make you happy?

I’m writing this sitting at a cafe where they have iced coffee that is most unusual–instead of pouring coffee over regular ice cubes, they have ice cubes made of coffee so it doesn’t dilute. (They call it “cubic” iced coffee.) It’s an inconsequential thing that makes me unreasonably happy.

What about you? Are there silly little things that make you happy–maybe more than you like to admit?

What is “too busy” helping you avoid?

For example, when I’m struggling with a book chapter, I know I need to work at it until I find what I want to say. I sit at my desk–but wait! First I must answer emails I’ve rudely ignored. I have to chase down some documents for my taxes. When I get to my chapter, the day is largely gone. I used stuff I had to do to keep me from doing what was most important, but also uncomfortable and scary.

Are there important-but-uncomfortable things in your life you’ve been too busy to do? This week can you adjust your priorities and get to at least one of them?

Who are your memory keepers?

I just spent part of the day with my oldest friend–we go all the way back to grade school when we were both 11. He’s known me through every stage of my life–my college years, my disastrous first marriage, every boyfriend, every move. And vice versa. We live far apart and only see each other every year or two, but it’s amazing to have someone in my life who remembers so much of it. I grew up as an only child and my parents and aunts and uncles are dead, so there’s no one else who knows me this way.

Do you have memory keepers in your life? What do they know about you that no one else does?

How does home feel to you?

I’m writing this at the end of a three-week trip but by the time you read it, I’ll be home. I’m returning to deadlines and an ant infestation that cropped up suddenly. Still, my husband and me sleeping in our own bed, with our cats in their usual spots–one sprawled on my pillow, the other tucked in-between us–sounds like heaven right now.

If you’re like most people, you spent more time at home in the past couple of years than ever before. Is it a refuge? A source of anxiety because of tasks left undone? Is it a happy place for you? If not, what changes would make it that way?

Are you good at sticking with the things you care about most?

My friend Sruti Ram died of Covid in late 2020, just as vaccines were about to come out. He was a spiritual seeker and chant leader whose memoir just now came out. Writing the book, finding an editor to help with it, and selling it to a publisher was a struggle that lasted more than a decade. A lot of people would have given up, but not him. Knowing it would finally be published made him deeply happy.

Sometimes, if you love something, you have to stick with it, even if it it seems you can’t make any headway. I’m so glad Sruti did, and now I have  his book to read.

I’m writing a chapter in my book about the power of saying yes. It was inspired in part by Richard Branson who says yes so often he’s known as “Dr. Yes” around his companies. Saying yes can take you on unexpected adventures. It can lead you to let people into your life you might not get to know otherwise. It can shake up your routine and let in some fresh air.

So this weekend, can you say yes to one thing when you would usually say no? Especially if it’s something you’ve never done before? And feel free to let me know how it goes.

Does loving a stuffed animal mean you’re crazy?

There are people out there who really, truly love their stuffed animals. I read an essay by a man whose stuffed Chewbacca doll has more Instagram followers than he and his partner do. They often talk with it and hug it. “There is also unadulterated joy in understanding that one can love something so unconditionally, even something inanimate,” he wrote.

Is that crazy? Or is it a useful coping skill for difficult times? And does it even matter what you or I think if hugging these toys makes them happier than they would be if they didn’t?

What are the steps that got you where you are?

We talk a lot about taking small steps and making tiny changes. But how can you know they will add up to something significant? I asked Tiny Habits author B.J. Fogg that question. He suggested looking back at an achievement you’re proud of and thinking about exactly how you did it. Chances are, small steps got you there.

If those little steps were enough to lead to that big achievement, what else can you do by taking tiny steps?

Are your conversations going on too long?

Ok, I know this is a weird one, but I just learned about some fascinating research on what people are thinking during conversations. About two thirds of the time,  at least one person thinks the conversation is too long. Sometimes both people think so, but go on talking so as not to offend! The result of all this seems to be we should all be ending conversations–politely–sooner than we do.

I’m going to work on that this week. How about you?

Does being short of sleep make you more negative?

Apparently it does. In an experiment, subjects were restricted to five hours of sleep a night for five nights–something most of us have probably done many times when working on a big project or tight deadline. Then they were shown 90 images designed to elicit positive, negative, or neutral responses. When tired, they viewed the positive and neutral images as negative.

Skimp on sleep, and your perceptions of the world will be wrong and your judgment will be off. You could wind up making bad decisions. It’s one more reason to  get the rest you need.

Do you pay attention to your own physical needs?

At a farmer’s market, my husband was disappointed when the burger truck ran out of burgers. So I suggested a nearby Five Guys. That was dumb of me because I was also quite hungry but didn’t want a burger. I figured I’d eat when we got home. But by then I was starving and hugely grumpy and I stayed that way all night. It would have been so simple to pick a place we both liked, if only I’d paid attention to my own needs instead of ignoring them in order to be “nice.”

Do you pay attention to your own physical needs? What happens when you don’t?

Does shyness stop you from getting what you want?

In an interview, Elon Musk confessed that he once tried to get a job at Netscape. His application was ignored, so he tried hanging around the lobby, hoping to strike up a conversation that might get him in the door. But Musk, who has Asperger’s, was too shy to talk to anyone. Eventually, he just left. That was lucky for Musk, who went on to co-found PayPal, then Tesla and SpaceX–and, of course, to own Twitter.

But for most of us, shyness can hold us back, even though it’s a normal part of being human. Has shyness every stopped you from going after something you wanted?

What do you have that you can’t use but keep anyway?

The experts are clear: Any clothes you haven’t worn in a year should be tossed or donated. But I have a t-shirt from my college newspaper that’s worn out and too small but lives in my drawer anyway. It was the first place I got paid for writing ($7.50 per article!) and my first taste of working as a writer.

We all have items like this that recall a beloved time in our past but have no relevance today. It’s important to keep a treasured few of these, and important not to clutter our homes and lives with too many. How do you find that balance?

What do you do that only makes sense to you?

I texted about keeping my old college newspaper t-shirt, even though it doesn’t fit anymore. A friend of mine texted back: Why not frame it or turn it into a pillow or something? Great idea, except coming across it from time to time in my drawer, it gives me more pleasure than it would hanging on the wall or sitting on my couch. Makes no sense, but it’s still true, and that’s OK. What about you?

What small (or large) things do you do that make sense to you, even though they make no sense to anyone else? And are you happy with these choices?

Should people who want to work from home accept a pay cut?

Reuters obtained an internal document that shows Google might reduce pay for employees work remotely full-time, depending on cost of living at their locations. One employee with a two-hour commute to Seattle planned to work remotely but realized it would mean a 10 percent reduction. Google says it’s always paid people based on their location.

But considering the company’s profits, does cutting anyone’s salary make sense?

A few years ago, I took a meditation/mindfulness training and realized I needed something to remind me to be in the moment, which I’m very bad at. I decided for me it is crows. I love crows, the most intelligent birds, but also I see one or more a few times a day while driving or looking out my window. Now when I see crows I think about being in the now and try to stop thinking of the future for a moment.

Your challenge, if you accept it, is to pick something similar in your daily life that will remind you, for a moment, to return to the here and now. What will you choose?

There are things I know I should want. There are things I know I can’t have so I’m afraid wanting them would make me miserable. And there are things I used to want, like living closer to the center of Seattle, that I don’t think I want anymore. Put it all together and answering that simple question suddenly gets really hard.

Is it hard for you too? How do you unravel other people’s expectations, your own past desires and your limitations to figure out what you truly want? And if you do figure out what you truly want, are you willing to go get it?

When was the last time you took a road trip with a friend?

I mean no spouses or partners, no big groups, no families, just you and a buddy or two on your own. This week I traveled to a hot spring with a girlfriend. I’m writing this text in advance so I don’t know how the trip went, although three days soaking in hot water in the woods pretty much has to be great. Last time I did something like this was decades ago and I’m wondering why it’s been so long. Is it marriage? Busy-ness? Shyness? Modern life?

When was the last time you went traveling with a friend? If it’s been too long, should you make plans to go soon?

Ever since we moved to the West Coast, my husband and I have known we should be ready for earthquakes with a “go bag” for evacuation and a “stay bin” in case we’re stuck at home without power or water. But it was too daunting. Recently,  I read some great advice. Start small–maybe your birth certificate, medications, and extra glasses in a Ziploc bag–and build from there. Every part of the U.S. and the world has seen some kind of natural disaster, and more are coming.

I’m going to start working on a go bag and a stay bin. How about you?

Do you focus on output or outcomes?

This question came from a Pulitzer-winner friend of mine. You do your best work (output) and hope for a good outcomes but recognize that’s beyond your control. For example, you follow a cake recipe carefully. There was a typo and the cake comes out like a pancake. You are still really proud of yourself for the work you did. (And you enjoy the yummy pancake.)

This attitude–output over outcomes–is a key to both success and self-care. If you did the work and gave it your best effort, celebrate! That primes your brain to put in the same great effort next time.

In heavy traffic, when your lane is closed ahead, it can seem like the polite thing to do is pull over into the next lane as soon as you can. But research shows over and over that it’s better to go to the end of your lane, then take turns merging in, like a zipper. Traffic flows more smoothly and everyone gets where they’re going faster. The problem is other drivers may think you’re rude if you drive to the end of your lane and expect to be allowed into the next one.

Even knowing it’s the right thing, I can’t get myself to drive to the end of the lane. What about you?

A new study found that people on all sides of the political divide may be  six times likelier to share wrong information than true information on Facebook. It’s easy to see why. Wrong information usually elicits strong emotions.

But that’s how they get you. Next time you see something on any social media that makes you angry, take three minutes to search for corroboration before you share it. See if there’s a story about it in a news outlet you trust. If not, consider holding off until you can learn more. You can always share it later, and you may be glad you waited.

If you feel stressed there’s an almost magical way to fight it–controlled breathing. Try box breathing, developed by a Navy SEAL. Inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for 4, exhale for 4, hold your breath for 4, and repeat, ideally 4 times. Or here’s a variant I prefer: Inhale for 4, hold your breath for 4, exhale for 8. Exhaling longer than you inhale literally slows your heartbeat, physically calming you.

If you hit any stress this week, give it a try. (And if you have no stress…will you trade jobs with me?)

Do you save things that might help you later?

Going through a box of books, I found a book of writings about Alzheimer’s by people whose loved ones had it and people who had it themselves. The disease was a big part of my life for 21 years, from when my mother started having symptoms in 1994 to her death in 2015. It’s not part of my life now, but I know it could be again as my loved ones and I grow older. So while I don’t need this book right now, I set it on the shelf for a day when it might bring me comfort and understanding.

What things have you saved that you don’t need now, but might make a big difference someday?

What do you do when you finally reach a big goal?

I finally turned in the draft manuscript of my book. For months, I’ve been promising myself that when that happened I would celebrate! And take some time off! But so far, I haven’t done either one of those things. There’s just…too much going on. Too much to do. And somehow, it’s really hard to celebrate my own accomplishment.

Is it just me? When you finish a big project or reach a goal you’ve been working hard on, are you good at celebrating your achievement? Or do you downplay your own success by acting like it’s no big deal?

Do you pay attention to how things make you feel?

I’m a noodle addict (linguine, Chinese rice noodles, spaetzle, you name it!) After years of this, I recently realized that if I eat more than a little bit, I feel bloated and unhappy later on. It happens with feelings too–sometimes I don’t realize for a day or two that something somebody said really upset me. I’m not good at noticing my physical or emotional reactions to things, but I’m trying to get better by paying more attention and checking in from time to time.

How about you? Are you good at noticing your own physical and emotional feelings?

Can you find a new way to self-care?

Most of us have a few set things we do when we want to treat ourselves. Mine include a long hot bath, a walk in a special spot, and spending time alone in a café. But my go-to self-care tactics are getting a bit stale, so yesterday I tried a new one–reading, napping, and watching the sky in the hammock I got for my birthday.

Now it’s your turn. What are your self-care habits? This weekend, can you come up with a new way to pamper yourself you haven’t done before?

How do you tame your own agitation?

I was in a happy mood until I got a balance due letter from the IRS for $3,954–which happens to be almost exactly the amount I already paid when it was due. I couldn’t get into our IRS account online and it took two-and-a-half hours on hold to find someone who could. I kept reminding myself it would get straightened out, it really wasn’t that big a deal–but I was still struggling with my own rage and panic.

When something infuriating happens that isn’t your fault and there’s no one there to fix it, how do you stop your feelings from running away with you?

Do you share projects and passions with those you love?

On the occasion of their 75th anniversary, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter offered some advice for others who want relationships to last a lifetime: Be true partners in whatever you do and make sure to share activities that you love (in their case, fly fishing, skiing, and bird wat ching). They’re right that sharing goals and activities you care about can help build a stronger relationship–with your spouse, partner, child, or even a good friend.

How many projects and passions do you share with the people you love?

(Disclosure: I’ve stolen this from Noom.) You’ve probably heard by now “sitting is the new smoking” and even if you work out, sitting at work for hours puts your health at risk. Experts say you should get up and move at least once an hour, but that doesn’t work for everyone.

So follow the 10:2 rule–move an average 10 minutes for every 2 hours of sitting. Walk around the outside of your building or make a very quick visit to your treadmill. Or put on headphones and disco dance. I won’t tell anyone.

What does your favorite color say about your personality?

This might be nonsense, but at least it’s fun. According to this Big Think piece about  color psychology, people who prefer red–my husband’s favorite color–are adventurous and impulsive (check). People who prefer black, which is the color I wear most often, are perhaps a little too serious (yup, that’s me). People who prefer orange love to host parties and events (describes my friend who loved her orange car). So maybe it’s not entirely nonsense after all.

Does your own favorite color match your personality? Let me know.

Should there be a national no-fly list of disruptive passengers?

Delta already has a list of more than 1,700 people banned from its flights for unruly behavior. It wants all airlines to pool their disruptive-passenger lists in the hopes of eliminating these troublemakers from the skies. Air rage incidents are up and flight attendants say they’re subjected to insults and intimidation daily while trying to do their jobs.

What do you think? Is this a good idea or a bad one?

How do you recover from a toxic relationship?

Boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, family member, or friend, we all have relationships in our lives that make us feel bad instead of good. Ending a toxic relationship will make you feel better in the long run, but it the short run you might feel even worse than you did before.

What can you say to remind yourself that these awful feelings are temporary? What are some things you can do to move on? (Thanks to the text subscriber who suggested this topic.)

Which distractions are good for you, and which are stealing your time?

I deleted the game Two Dots from my tablet recently. It’s highly addictive and I’d played it for years, sometimes hours at a time. It was fun, but not good for my overall well-being. I’d go to read a book and wind up playing instead. Lucky for me, there was a glitch. Rather than uninstall and reinstall, I switched to online go. It’s also fun, but more brain work and less addictive. Now I’m reading more.

How about you? Distractions are good for us and we all need them. But are any of them sucking up too much of your time?

Do you leave things better than you found them?

When Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon to be executive chairman, before he left,  he added two new items to the list of principles Amazon uses as a guide: Strive to be Earth’s best employer; and Success and scale bring broad responsibility–including to leave thngs better than you found them. I think these are both great ideals, especially the second one, which got me thinking. I’m pretty good at creating value for my clients. But leaving things better than I found them? I could do better, and I should.

How about you? Do you leave things better than you found them? Or could you do better too?

What do your favorite possessions say about you?

I was looking at my earrings on my earring rack when I realized they told the story of my life, all the places I’ve lived, and all my travels. The ornate ones I bought in Bali, the cheap ones I bought on the street when I lived in New York, the gifts from my boyfriend of years ago and the pearl ones from my husband. They make me unreasonably happy.

Do you have things like that in your life, that help you remember all the wonderful (and maybe terrible) places you’ve been?

I interviewed a high-level exec firm for a book chapter and she said this: “The death of a promotion or the death of advancement is when only one person in the room knows your name.”

I think this is true for self-employed people as well, and I think we can all be better at introducing ourselves and getting to know all the different people who can help us or hurt us in our careers.

How many people inside or outside your organization could help you reach your goals? How many of them know you? Your micro-challenge this week is to introduce yourself to at least one more.

Can eating ice cream help you remember things?

Our brains turns some short-term memories into long-term memories during sleep. But how do they choose which memories to keep? It turns out we prioritize memories that led to pleasant experiences–moves that helped you win a game, for instance. So maybe pairing important information with an enjoyable self-reward, such as eating a special treat, could help your retention.

Should you give it a try?

How do you handle endless problem-solving?

If you’ve ever lived in a home, or had a boat, or a garden, you know it’s never truly done. There’s always an improvement to work on or a needed repair. When you finish one, it’s on to the next, and on and on. Life is like that too. You solve one problem and then there’s the next one. As long as you’re healthy, there’s never a time when you’re “done” with life, any more than you’re done working on your home. Depending how you look at it, this might be frustrating and exhausting, or maybe challenging and fun.

How do you feel about having endless problems to solve?

Do you have an internal or external locus of control?

Those with an internal locus think their success or failure is due to their actions. Those with an external locus think it’s due to outside factors. Tesla had record sales because it responded to the chip shortage with an internal locus. Serena Williams seems to have an internal locus which kept her from retiring for years after it was clear she couldn’t dominate tennis anymore.

An internal locus isn’t all good–you may blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Do you have an internal or external locus and how has it helped or hurt you?

Make a two-year to-do list.

Do you live by to-do lists? انجام میدهم. The problem is, they push you to do what’s important today, but not what’s important in the big picture of what you want to accomplish. You wind up doing what’s most urgent but not necessarily what’s most meaningful. To fight that tendency, make a to-do list of what you want to get done in the next 24 months, rather than the next 24 hours. Hang it on the wall or put it someplace you can see it easily.

Just think how satisfying it will be when you cross those big important items off that list.

How do you conquer your fear?

I’m asking because I’m giving two presentations at a giant conference in Europe and…I’m frightened. Of something going wrong on the trip, of my sessions falling flat, of the audience hating me. I’ve done this many times before, but this is an unfamiliar setting. And because of the pandemic, it’s been a while since I’ve faced a live audience. I usually cope with fear using research, logic, and being as prepared as I can for every situation. And by trying to channel my mother, who feared nothing. But I could use some new ideas this time.

How do you cope with your own fears?

How do you make a big decision?

A subscriber texted me about a career decision. It got me thinking about a technique I recently learned for making difficult choices. We’ve all made lists of pros and cons, but this is the next level. You assign values to each pro or con and consider the implications of each choice. It may be useful if you’re facing a complex decision with many moving parts. It can also help you figure out what you really want because you’ll want to give higher values to some elements than others.

If you have a decision to make, check it out and let me know what you think.

Do you ever scold yourself? If so, should you stop?

BJ Fogg, author of Tiny Habits, runs a behavior research lab at Stanford. Fogg says he’s learned that people are better able to change if they’re happy, not unhappy. So if you want to alter a behavior, from eating fewer sweets to being more productive at work, getting angry at yourself will only make it harder. He says to post this somewhere you’ll see it: “I change best by feeling good, not by feeling bad.”

This week, if you’re scolding yourself for something you did or didn’t do, can you stop, and repeat that sentence instead?

How much of your work is play?

Performance expert Lindsay McGregor says  the greatest motivator for performance is “play”–taking pleasure in the work itself, as you might in a favorite hobby. Play isn’t about having a foosball table, it’s about being so engaged in your job that hours go by and you don’t notice.

To find the play in your work, she says, ask yourself which parts of your job make you curious. When are you learning? How much of your job is play, and can you do more of those things? And if there’s no play in your work, should you do something about that?

How do you get someone to tell you what they’re really thinking?

Have you ever been talking with a colleague, customer, employee, or friend and wished you could get them to tell you what’s really on their mind? There’s no magic formula, but some simple approaches work well, according to an investigative journalist who gets people to tell him the truth for a living. It comes down to being patient and empathetic, letting them get to know you, and making sure you deserve their trust once you get it.

Is there anyone in your life or at work you wish would open up to you? Maybe this could help.

Why is it so irksome when technology doesn’t work correctly?

Before our trip, I tried over and over to use an airline app to check in for our flight. In all sorts of settings and lightings it WOULD NOT scan my passport or my husband’s, no matter what I tried. The effort I put into this was approximately 1,000 times the effort required to check in at the airport, which we eventually did.

Why is it so frustrating when technology doesn’t work as promised, even when it doesn’t really matter? When it happens, how do you let go of that useless frustration?

Five minutes of worrying.

I love this idea which Arianna Huffington came up with on a recent podcast. If you find yourself worrying a lot (I know I do) instead of fighting it, give it a little space of its own. Set aside a five-minute time slot this weekend and devote that time to thinking about whatever worries you most. No need to find solutions to your worries right now, just feel them.

You may find scheduling a specific time to worry helps you do it less the rest of the time. If you find that you keep worrying about the same things, that might get you thinking about how to address those worries.

Has your life gotten narrow?

A funny thing happened during the pandemic: l stopped yearning to see the world. Before Covid, I traveled to many nations and always wanted more. Staying home since the pandemic, I’ve lost some of that wanderlust. Partly because traveling these days is a pain, partly because I’ve gotten used to a narrower life. I’m hoping to get some of that mojo back in Portugal.

What about you? Has your life gotten narrower these past 18 months? If so, knowing that this pandemic will be part of our lives for a while, is there anything you can do to broaden it?

How do you handle your fallible brain?

My husband and I are both nervous about this Portugal trip. I carefully selected a necklace to wear for my presentation, then spent an hour searching for it because I’d put it in my sock drawer. He left his phone behind at check-in and had to backtrack through security. I try to protect myself from this stuff with to-do lists and packing routines. But ultimately, I know my brain is fallible and can sabotage me anytime, especially if I’m tired or stressed or both, like now.

How do you cope with your unreliable brain? And–if you can’t trust your own brain, what can you trust?

Psychologist Adam Grant and legendary investor Ray Dalio created a self-assessment anyone can take for free. It consists of a series of statements you can agree or disagree with. Expect to spend at least 20 minutes on the test although you can do it in more than one sitting. The results you get are surprisingly thoughtful and detailed. For me at least, they seemed accurate.

Whether you agree or disagree with the results, they may give you insights into how others see you.

Do you subject yourself to unfair comparisons?

Last week, I moderated a panel at a huge tech conference in Portugal. I was nervous beforehand, as some of you know. I thought it went OK. Then I watched some panels that were livelier than mine and scolded myself that I should have done better. ولی. One of my panelists dropped out at the last second. The remaining two spoke heavily accented English. I was unable to prep with one of them. Considering all that, having it go OK was actually an accomplishment.

Do you hold yourself to unreasonable standards? Why are we fair with other people and so unfair with ourselves?

Why do we care more about what others get than what we get?

I just learned about an experiment in which two Capuchin monkeys were trained to pick up a rock and get a piece of cucumber. Both were happy until one started getting a tastier grape instead. The other monkey saw this and didn’t want cucumber anymore. She flung it back at the researcher and banged the table in obvious outrage.

It’s funny because we humans are exactly the same. No matter how much you make, you’ll be upset if someone else is making more. Why is it so hard to just be happy with what we have?

Are you good at fitting in? (And is that a bad thing?)

Recently, my husband and I are house guests in my cousins’ beautiful apartment. I worried mostly that we disturbed nothing. He’s much more relaxed, but also much more open-hearted, playing guitar for them, laughing his big laugh, being his real and fully present self.

I used to want him to fit in more, but then I realized he was right and I was wrong. For them to really know me, I should be less like a chameleon and more like myself. That doesn’t come naturally to me, though.

How about you? Are you better at being yourself, or better at fitting in?

Do you choose success over happiness?

It’s a tricky question. We all want to be happy, otherwise what’s the point of anything? But many of us also long to make our mark upon the world, so we put off happiness…till someday. And someday might never come. We make these choices every day, large and small. Work an extra hour or go for a sunset walk? Stay where you are or try for a big new opportunity, even though it means working twice as hard?

Only you know what’s right for you. Whether you think about it or not, the life you wind up with will be partly the sum of these decisions. What do you choose?

Is there anything you care about more than your own life?

I’m reading a book by a married couple, both gone now, who worked in the Resistance in Paris during the Nazi occupation. Finding food to survive was a struggle, but what really counted, they felt, was to end to fascism, whether they lived to see it or not.

It’s hard for me, a comfortable 21st-century American to imagine caring about something that deeply. I love to think I’d have risked my life alongside them but I can never really know.

What about you? Is there anything important enough to you that it would be worth risking your life for?

Do you have real empathy for the people in your work and life? In a recent survey 54 percent of respondents said they’d quit a job because their boss wasn’t empathetic about their work, and another 49 percent said they’d quit due to a lack of empathy about their personal lives. Respondents defined genuine empathy in a leader as: Being open; being fair; following through; asking for others’ opinions; and being able to handle difficult conversations well.

Whatever your role at work or in life, these are qualities we can all aspire to. How genuinely empathetic are you?

Can you let go of feeling bad?

I’m leaving on a long trip, I’m behind on deadlines, and I’m desperately doing triage. And there’s the biggest problem–my desperation. It’s always a struggle to stop feeling bad about the things you haven’t taken care of. And yet, if you could just stop scolding yourself over this stuff, it would all be so much more manageable.

This week, whenever you catch yourself feeling bad about what you haven’t done, can you stop and just…Let. آی تی. برو؟ This will not turn you into a lazy lump, I promise. In fact, you may get more done than if you were fretting about it.

How good are you at letting yourself rest?

It’s my first day home from a long trip with nine hours of jet lag. Any sane person would realize I can’t get much of anything done today. And yet I keep feeling guilty and I keep thinking I should be (or even could be) writing a column. Even though I’ve read a lot, and written a lot, about how trying to work when exhausted or ill destroys your productivity. I really, really ought to know better.

How about you? Are you good at letting yourself rest when you need to?

Can trauma lead to great achievement?

I love Shakespeare’s plays, but not much is known about the man who wrote them. One of the few things we do know is that he had a son named Hamnet who died at age 11, and that Shakespeare wrote Hamlet, considered by some to be the greatest work of English literature, just a few years later. This is the subject of a new novel that I’m curious to read.

But it raises the question–does traumatic loss often lead to great art or other accomplishments? It often works that way in movies, but does it happen in real life? Has trauma led to creativity or achievement for you?

Can you rethink your relationships to reach your goals?

Executive coach Wendy Capland says four things stop us from reaching our goals: Our relationships with people, with our circumstances, with time, and with ourselves. You may believe your circumstances are blocking you from reaching your goals. That might be true. Or maybe there’s a way around them. You may believe that time, or the lack of it, is holding you back. Changing that relationship might remove the obstacle.

Re-examining all four relationships could free you to pursue your dreams. Will you give it a try?

Are your friendships in need of attention?

I recently read the novel Rules for Visiting, about a woman who sets out to visit four friends she hasn’t seen in a long time. She fears she’s neglected her friendships and is in danger of losing them. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes worry about this myself. I have so many friends who live far away from me, and I know I should do a better job of staying in touch.

How about you? Friends are among the most important assets we have, and we can sometimes keep them our entire lives. Do you have any friendships of your own that need better maintaining?

How can you teach children to be grateful?

A survey shows that four out of five parents in the U.S. worry that their children aren’t grateful enough. How do you teach gratitude? Pediatrician and parenting expert Alison Escalante has a suggestion: Teach gratitude to kids by being grateful to kids. Thank them whenever they do something thoughtful or helpful, she says. And let them see you expressing gratitude for the good things in your own life.

You’ll be modeling the gratitude behavior you’re hoping to see from them–often the most powerful way to teach anything. Should you give it a try?

How do you cope with working when you’re tired out?

You may have noticed yesterday’s text arrived later than usual. That’s because I spent the weekend working on a revision of my book against a tight deadline. I’m glad it’s done, and the timing was needed to stay on schedule. But for years I’ve made sure to take at least one weekend day off and this time I couldn’t. Now it’s the work week again. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I’m not feeling very perky.

This goes against everything I usually advocate, but–what’s your best strategy for having a good week when you’re feeling tired and spent?

Pick three things to do and not do today.

Today’s Micro-Challenge comes from of a therapist friend of mine and I think it’s brilliant. Every day, pick three things you will absolutely get done, and three things you give yourself permission not to get done. This will help you make the best use of the finite time and energy each of us has every day. It’s a great way to deal with feeling overwhelmed.

I’m going to give it a try. How about you?

How do you make new friends as a grownup?

When you were a kid, you knew how to do this instinctively. In high school or college, it still seemed pretty easy. When you’re a young parent, you meet other parents at the playground and soccer matches. But once those days are done, how do you make new friends? And how do you go from acquaintances to friends?

We have some neighbors we’ve known and liked for years. We’ve talked often in the driveway and they finally broke the ice and invited us for drinks. We’re so glad they did.

Do you find it hard to make new friends as an adult? How do you go about it?

This week, I got to write about an amazing teenager named Sydney Raley, who works at McDonald’s. She saw a customer choking on a chicken nugget and jumped through the drive-thru window to save her. Raley is autistic. Her parents thought it might hold her back. Instead, it enabled her to perfectly recall her Heimlich maneuver training and save a life.

Are there any people in your life or work that you’re underestimating, the same way some people might have underestimated Sydney Raley?

What’s the dumbest cost-cutting idea you ever heard of?

More than 100 former Hertz customers claim, they were arrested, and in some cases jailed, for driving the cars they rented. They say Hertz reports a car as stolen to the police if the temporary hold on a debit or credit card doesn’t go through. These renters say reporting the car stolen is cheaper for Hertz than dealing with the situation on its own. If the idea really was to cut costs, it backfired. These customers are now suing Hertz for more than half a billion dollars.

What’s the stupidest cost-cutting move you’ve ever encountered?

Use the power of “oh well.”

A wise teacher I know talks about the power of “oh well.” You failed to meet your goal? اوه خوب You made a mistake and screwed things up? اوه خوب You yet again didn’t live up to your own expectations? Oh well.

I came across some great advice recently: Create your own “oh well” statement. Something you keep in mind to say to yourself when things don’t go as you hoped they would. Mine is silly, but it always helps me: “Some days you get the bear, some days the bear gets you.”

Do you have an “oh well” statement of your own? If not, should you create one?t

After this text, many subscribers texted me back with their own “oh well” statements. In case you’re curious, here’s a selection of them.

What’s the best way to open someone’s mind?

When we’re trying to persuade someone to change their opinions, we usually do a lot of sharing. We share the data that we have, we share our own experiences and insights, we share what we’ve read or seen.

Psychologists know that a more effective method is motivational interviewing–asking them what they believe and what led them to those beliefs. And–crucial, but very difficult for most of us–keeping an open mind yourself.

Is there anyone in your life whose mind you’d like to open? Could motivational interviewing help?

Who do you enjoy disagreeing with?

Most of us spend too much time only talking with people we agree with. This echo chamber effect is made worse when social media prioritizes those we agree with over those we don’t. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to discuss controversial topics with people I disagree with, especially if I respect them. At the very least, I’ll learn something about why they think what they do. People who know they’re “preaching to the choir” tend to do just that–preach. To my mind, it gets tedious fast.

Is there anyone you enjoy discussing things with, even though the two of you don’t agree?

Do something you hate for 30 seconds every day.

When I interviewed Tiny Habits author B.J. Fogg, he said it was easiest to create habits you want to do. But what about things you hate but really need to get done? His advice: Do just a little–it could be as little as 30 seconds–but do it every day. You’ll find some days you want to do more than 30 seconds.

I tried it with a task I’ve resisted–a badly needed reorganization of our finances that I put off for three years. Lo and behold, I got it done.

What dreaded task have you been putting off? What if you tried it for 30 seconds every day?

Why are some things more difficult when you try harder?

I’d been wanting to try playing a pocket sax and a friend who had an extra one gave it to me. People say it’s easier to teach children this instrument because they’re more relaxed, and I see why. The harder I try to get it right, the tighter I try to cover the holes, the more likely I am to produce nothing but a squeak. The more I relax and just sigh into it, the likelier I am to get the note I want.

Are there things in you’re life that you’re trying too hard at? Would they be easier if you relaxed a bit more and made a bit less effort?

If you work at home, how do you feel about interruptions?

While I was at my desk the other day, my husband interrupted me twice in less than ten minutes. I got angry, but the truth is that I’s been struggling to focus, so what he actually interrupted was some online shopping.

As neuroscientist Josh Davis says, an interruption is a gift because it can help you get to what’s important. After he left, I spent a few minutes feeling really angry, but then I got down to work.

How do you feel about being interrupted? It’s certainly unpleasant, but does it help your focus, or hurt it, or both?

What are your most hated buzzwords?

“New normal,” “Circle back,” and “Give 110 percent” are among the business buzzwords that most annoy people, a new survey shows. And yet, while people don’t particularly like buzzwords, most of us use them because we believe they make us sound more professional.

Do you use buzzwords yourself? چرا و چرا نه؟ And are there any that you find especially annoying?

Who are you helpless without?

Recently, I had to send back an old cell phone for credit towards a new one. I removed the SIM card using my usual method: I walked into my husband’s office and handed the phone to him. I’ve never even tried to take the SIM card out of my own phone. When it comes to things like filing taxes, he’d be equally lost without me.

Who are the people in your life you depend on to do the things you can’t? Should you let them know how much you need them and how grateful you are?

Has being a parent changed your brain?

I’ve been reading some fascinating research about the changes that go on in your brain when you become a parent. Mothers go through very dramatic brain changes, but fathers’ brains change too. In most of these changes, the brain restructures itself to emphasize social bonding and empathy, which seem like key abilities for a new parent.

If you’re a parent, how has becoming a parent has changed you? Did it make you more empathetic or more able to tell what others are thinking? Does it make you a better person?

What makes you feel mortal?

Our orange cat Hamlin has cancer. He was full grown when we met him a dozen years ago, so realistically we knew he didn’t have many years left. But that’s the point–we aren’t realistic. Hamlin always acted young, like he had all the time in the world. He’s a lot like my husband and me. Seeing time run out for Hamlin is a reminder that it will for us too. If there are things we want to do, we had best get to it.

For me, there’s a difference between knowing we’re all going to die and feeling it as a reality. Are there things that make you feel that reality? Anything you still want to do?

Do you really need to keep your options open?

As neuroscientist Josh Davis notes, we want to keep our options open even when it doesn’t help us because we fear the pain of making the wrong decision. We all know people who messed up good relationships because they kept wondering if there was someone better around the corner. Or me: I’m on vacation and unwilling to commit to hotel rooms even when I know it’s travel season and my options will only get worse.

This week, when you hesitate to commit, ask yourself: Are you afraid of making the wrong decision? Is it helping you or hurting you?

Where is the line between clever and creepy?

Amazon used warehouse employees to answer negative comments on Twitter, saying how much they love their jobs. It paid their regular hourly wage and they got to spend time on Twitter instead of loading boxes on trucks.

The employees were clearly identified as “ambassadors.” Amazon didn’t tell them what to say–but it did say it wanted people who were excited about “rebutting our critics.”

The effort was widely mocked with words like “dystopian,” and Amazon quietly ended it. What do you think: A smart strategy or a creepy one?

A splurge can be something small, like a $4 latte, or something big like a new car, or anything in between. It’s a challenging balance because we all need to watch our finances and research shows many things people splurge on don’t bring as much pleasure as they hoped. But if you never splurge you can wind up feeling deprived.

I’ve been thinking about this lately because, after lengthy hesitation, I splurged on a pricey new-to-me Android tablet to replace my old one, which is five years old and doesn’t hold a charge well anymore.

What do you splurge on and how often? How does it make you feel?

Can reading novels also help you read people?

Brain research says it can. All reading is good, but books carry particular benefits because of the sustained attention and memory they require. And novels have the added advantage of increasing your ability to empathize, along with your emotional intelligence, because they bring you into someone else’s point of view, even if that someone else is fantastical. (Nonfiction with a strong narrative, such as a memoir or true crime story, can do the same.)

When was the last time you read a novel you really enjoyed? Is it time to pick up another one?

What are you depriving yourself of unnecessarily?

My husband and I spent a week caring for a friend’s cat. She was very lonely, but also very shy around strangers. All week long, she meowed pitifully whenever we came in, but if we tried to pet her, she would hide under the bed. It was frustrating for us, and very sad for her, deprived of the affection she desperately needed only because of her own fears. After a week, she started letting us pet her and was much happier.

But it got me thinking, how often do we needlessly deprive ourselves of what we want or need, just out of fear or shyness?

How good are you at changing plans?

I planned to make my usual homemade blackberry jam this summer. But first we were traveling, then I was on deadline, and the blackberries got way past their prime. Very frustrating!

Then a friend told me her plum tree has so many plums on it that a branch fell off from their weight. It’s too much for her. She’s happy to give some away and I’m excited to try making plum butter instead.

Life often does this. It offers you great alternatives–if you’re flexible. How good are you at letting go of what you planned and trying something new instead?

Find one thing someone else could do.

Are you bad at asking other people to do things for you? I’m terrible at it. Once when I was supposed to be managing a team of volunteers at a help desk during a conference, I started dealing with every question that came along until the volunteers I’d recruited started wondering why they’d bothered to show up. I realized my mistake and left them alone, but I have a bad habit of doing that kind of thing.

If it’s a habit for you too, let’s try to change that. Can you come up with one thing you do that someone else could do instead–and then ask them to do it?

When you hug someone, are you really there?

I visited a friend I hadn’t seen in a while and when she hugged me goodbye, she did so very mindfully, telling me what she was thinking and feeling. This turned out to be a variant of the “ hugging meditation” invented by the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh. The idea is to be really present and think about what this person means to you. “The person in your arms becomes real, and you become real at the same time,” he wrote.

This week, when you hug someone you care about, give it a try.

What does Independence mean in your life?

Today is Independence Day, which is a great reason to have parties and and barbecues. But independence can also be a very personal thing. So while celebrating our Independence as a nation from the British monarchy, perhaps while you’re watching the fireworks, take a moment to think about your own independence.

What have you gotten free of and how has it helped you? What’s still holding you back or confining you? And what can you do to free yourself?

What’s your favorite word game?

Of all the surprises in 2021, one of the best was the huge success of the super-simple word game Wordle. It’s become part of my routine to guess the day’s Wordle with my husband over dinner. I’ve always loved word games, I just didn’t realize so many other people loved them too. Besides Wordle, I’ve been variously obsessed with cryptic crosswords, a game app called Spellbound, and the real-life game Boggle. I also play Scrabble and Words With Friends (which is the same thing) but I’m not great at either one.

Do you love word games? If so, which ones?

What do you do when you’re tired but you have to keep going?

We all have moments like this. There’s a big deadline, or you’re behind schedule. For whatever reason, you have to keep going when you’re exhausted and would rather lie down and give up. What do you do to help yourself at those moments? Does it involve caffeine or sugar (it sometimes does for me, even though I know sucking on a lemon would be healthier and more effective). Do you have special motivating self-talk?

And–if you find yourself in this situation on a weekly or even daily basis, does that mean you need to make a bigger, more permanent change?

Do what you want, not what you’re supposed to want.

Traveling in Portugal,there’s a long list of places we should see, and want to see, and we’ve seen practically none of them. The last few months have been intense and exhausting and on this vacation, we need to chill. So we’ve just wandered a bit and found some unexpected things. (I came upon a massive, gorgeous greenhouse–perfect for the plant lover that I am.)

You spend so much time on things you have to do. Your time off should truly be your choice. This weekend, can you spend at least some time doing what you want, instead of what should want?

How often do you miss a solution that’s right in front of you?

In my case, literally. July and August are very dry in Snohomish, so every two days I water the flowers in front of our house. Right nearby is where I park my little car, under a huge birch that drips little drops of glue-like sap on it all summer. It annoys me no end. I’ve resorted to visiting gas stations when my tank was full, just to use the squeegee. I can’t explain why it took so long for me to think of hosing off the car when I water the roses.

Have you ever missed something so obvious? Why does the human brain do this?

Sometimes neglecting something stupidly simple can have a big effect.

We went to an outdoor music party at a brewery but left early because my husband was feeling quite ill. In the car, he began drinking from my water bottle and by the time we got home he was much better, though he took a day or two to fully recover. He realized he’d been badly dehydrated.

Dehydration may not make you thirsty. You may feel grumpy, lethargic, and/or nauseated instead. My favorite brain expert says if you haven’t had a drink of water in the last two hours, have one. (Coffee, soda, and especially beer don’t help.)

Should you change the stories you tell yourself?

My husband and I borrowed a car for a trip. On the second-to-last day, it stopped working abruptly, the frame rusted and broken. The story could be we had really bad luck. Or, we had really good luck because it didn’t happen on the highway, where we might have been badly hurt. If you don’t get something you want, is it a story about how the odds are stacked against you or one about how you should try a different approach?

This week, notice the stories you tell yourself and whether they’re helping or hurting you. Should you try changing them?

Will you do enough today?

By the time you go to bed tonight, will you have gotten enough done? I think the answer is always yes, even though many of us go through our days feeling like we never do enough because there’s always more to do. If you never live up to your own expectations, maybe those expectations need to be adjusted.

Just for today, tell yourself that whatever you did was exactly what you needed to do, even if you took the day off. You may find you feel fresher and more energetic for whatever you need to tackle tomorrow.

What are your favorite guilty pleasures?

We all have them–things that aren’t the best for us and yet we love indulging in them. Knowing they’re not good for us is part of what makes them pleasurable. I think guilty pleasures have value. As long as they aren’t truly harmful (for example, by breaking your hard-won sobriety), guilty pleasures are a great way to connect with the child that lives in all of us, and give that child an occasional chance to play.

Here are some of mine: Pop Tarts (the organic kind, but still!), Agatha Christie mysteries, and Britney Spears’ “Oops!… I Did It Again.” What are some of yours?

Do you drink coffee? If so, how much?

There’s an exact right amount to drink–three cups. A study of 676 elderly men showed the least cognitive decline among those who drank three cups a day, compared to those who drank less coffee, more coffee, or none at all. And a larger study that covered decades showed both men and women were less likely to die of cardio-vascular disease–or suicide–if they drank three to five cups a day.

So if you love coffee as much as I do, relax! It’s good for you in moderation.

Do you use distraction to take you away from the present?

Sometimes that can be a good thing. For example, I love the Modern Love podcast and I find it thoroughly absorbing. So when I have to have dental work, I bring my earbuds and sink into an episode or two while they’re doing…whatever they’re doing…inside my mouth. I still want it numbed–I’m not THAT tough–but it keeps me from wanting laughing gas.

Are there things that work like that for you–a total distraction from whatever unpleasantness is going on? What are they, and how do you use them?

What do you do after you’ve dropped an obligation?

We all do this sometimes. We miss a deadline or forget someone’s birthday. We let our side of an email conversation trail off. So what do you do when you remember the forgotten birthday or the email thread. Do you try to make it right? Do you apologize? Do you let it go? If you let it go, do you struggle with guilt or do you forget about it?

With a book to finish, I’ve dropped more than my fair share of obligations lately. I tend to struggle with guilt, but I’m not sure it’s good for me. تو چطور؟ How do you handle your dropped obligations?

My husband and I have a small woodstove on our patio, which makes us decidedly odd. People who have woodstoves put them indoors. People who want outdoor fires have fire pits or chimeneas. But fire pits and chimeneas give off more smoke and less heat than woodstoves do. The woodstove lets us spend time on our patio in all kinds of weather. During the pandemic, it saved our social life.

In this and many other ways, we do things differently from all the people we know. But we’re OK with that. What do you do that’s different from everyone you know? And are you OK with it?

Are you willing to rewrite your own rules?

This is  one secret to Warren Buffett’s lengthy success. For years, his rule was he never invested in tech companies because he didn’t understand tech. Now his company’s number one investment is in Apple. His new rule is to invest in companies that can sustain high margins over time, and Apple qualifies.

Once we learn a rule for success most of us stick with it. But that might not work in a changing world. This week, think about the rules you follow for success in life and work. Are they serving you well? Do any need updating?

Can you stop small problems from ruining your whole outlook?

If a loved one is ill or you’ve lost someone you cared about, you’ll feel worried or sad and not much can change that. But sometimes a small problem can balloon in your mind until absolutely everything seems awful. Once my husband and I went away for a month and I forgot to pay my car insurance. Due to some weird law, I had to give up driving my car for a week even after I’d insured it. I was upset out of all proportion to reality.

How about you. Do you let small problems color your whole world? If so, is there a way to stop doing that?

Do you like knowing a lot of strange, weird, and out-of-the-way words? Does a big vocabulary help you in business or life? I once published a roundup of vocabulary building apps which is still getting lots of clicks years later when some of the apps aren’t even there anymore. It made me wonder if there are people out there looking to build up their vocabularies. Does it make them feel smarter?

Do you enjoy learning new words and if so, why? Meantime, here’s an updated list of vocabulary apps.

Do the big guys always win?

That’s the obvious question in Ukraine right now. But not just there. In matters serious and trivial, do the bigger and more powerful always dominate? In real life, does Goliath kill David? We may wish it were otherwise, but my impression is that Goliath usually wins. I say this from observation, from my involvement in a lawsuit against Google, and from a lawsuit I learned about recently by Kytch, a small company that says McDonald’s deliberately put it out of business.

Have you been in any David-vs.-Goliath fights? If so, how did it go?

Can you handle contradictory thoughts?

I came across this in an F. Scott Fitzgerald essay: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” This seems like an important skill. For example, feeling proud and happy with your achievements and your life, yet wanting so much more. Or remembering that you love someone even when you’re furious at them.

What contradictory thoughts do you hold? And how do you handle the conflict between them?

How well do you do in the spotlight?

Being a writer is very luxurious. If you write a bad sentence, you can always go back and fix it. Editors review your work before it’s published. The chances you’ll make a fool of yourself are low. I can’t imagine being an Olympic athlete. Two minutes on an ice rink or a ski slope are your one chance to either triumph or crash. My husband is playing music in a play, and every performance is his chance to triumph or crash. Fortunately, he’s experienced onstage–I would be a wreck.

How about you? How well do you do when you have one chance and the spotlight’s on?

How much time should you spend working in the office?

Apparently there’s a right answer to this question: 1-2 days a week. That comes from a  survey by Clockwise of 1,000 American office workers. Those who spent 1-2 days a week in the office and 3-4 days working from home liked their jobs the best.

If you’re working in the office fulltime, do you wish you could sometimes work at home? If you’re at home every day, do you wish you could sometimes be in the office? What would the perfect mix of work-at-home and work-in-the-office look like for you?

In his new book, Oliver Burkeman points out that humans live on average roughly 4,000 weeks (roughly ۷۷ years). That means some of what you plan or hope to do likely won’t happen.

To do well on the things that count, he says, “decide in advance which domains to fail at.” That includes cooking for him and bicycle riding for me. This way, he says, you make “a conscious choice about how to use your finite time.”

What will you choose to fail at so you can excel at the things that matter most?

How much should you ask to be paid?

It’s a question most of us struggle with whenever we’re asked to put a number on our work, like when negotiating a salary or the price of a gig. Ask too much, and you may lose the job. Ask too little and you might get taken advantage of. I’ve made both mistakes over the years, but I’ve made asked too little much more often than too much. And a couple of times I’ve learned that others were making double what I was.

How good are you good at setting a fair price for your own work? And how do you decide what that is?

A female member of this text community works as a sound engineer at big music events. She told me she gets a lot of resistance from men in her profession who don’t like seeing a woman do the same job as them. One walked away from a dream gig touring with a household-name band rather than work with her.

He was a sexist idiot of course, but it got me thinking about how often people harm their own interests instead of adjusting to a changing world. I have probably done it myself. Have you ever missed an opportunity because you couldn’t adapt to change?

Do you know how you come across?

Sadly, most of us don’t, and the people we work with and deal with every day probably won’t tell us.  This is especially true if you’re the boss, because the people who work for you may hear meanings in the things you say that you didn’t intend and they are likely to take whatever you say very seriously.

Unfortunately, the only way to find out how people hear what you say and how they see you is to ask. These can be very uncomfortable conversations, but we all need to have them sometimes. When is the last time you asked anyone about how you come across?

Who are your drop-everything people?

My carpenter stepson is one for me. He may lag on non-critical matters, but whenever anything is urgent he drops everything, even his regular job, to take care of us. When he’s in trouble, we drop everything to help him, too. That’s family, but we have friends who are like this as well.

If you’re lucky, there are several people in your life who would stop whatever they were doing to help you when you need help, and you would do the same for them. Who are the drop-everything people in your life? And do they know you would drop everything for them?

You have one life. How should you spend it?

Jonathan Larson–subject of the movie Tick, Tick…Boom!–waited tables for 9 years, sharing an unheated apartment with roommates while struggling to break into writing musical theater. His musical Rent was a huge hit but he didn’t live to see it. He died of an aneurysm at 35 the day before Rent’s first performance.

There are two ways to look at this. One is he fulfilled his dream and saw his play produced if not performed. The other is he wasted the chance of a comfortable life, marriage, and children. Which do you believe? What is a life well spent?

Thanks to all who responded to my text about Jonathan Larson. Most of you said his life pursuing his dream was well spent, and I suspect he might say so too.

In August, I’m sending texts inspired by Adam Grant’s thought-provoking book Think Again. I’m thrilled that Grant wrote an endorsement for my book Career Self-Care.

Some Adam Grant wisdom to start us off: “It’s impossible to please everyone. The question is whether you’re disappointing the right people.” Are you?

I usually start each day with a list of things I want to do. I quickly see that to get everything done, I’d need a 37-hour day, but I go on anyway, hoping to at least finish the most important stuff. I end the day with less than half of it done.

If this sounds like you too, consider To-Do List Zero. Knowing there will be interruptions, obstacles, and stuff will longer than planned, this week, cut your list down to the few things you absolutely know you can finish in a day. Difficult, I know, but reality always is. And imagine the joy of a finished To-Do List!

What do you do when you don’t get the recognition you deserve?

Alice Guy-Blaché was a French director who, back in 1896, was the first person to use film to tell a story rather than document real life. She created what was then the biggest movie studio in the U.S., until World War I, the flu pandemic and the end of her marriage closed it down. She spent the next 49 years fighting for recognition from a cinema industry that had forgotten her.

Have you failed to be recognized for your accomplishments? How did you handle it?

Think Again Challenge: Are the best leaders decisive?

The opposite is true, Adam Grant writes in his new book. In an experiment, two groups of entrepreneurs got business training, but one group also learned to treat their approach as a hypothesis, test it, and make changes based on the results. The entrepreneurs in the second group brought in revenue more than twice as fast. چرا؟ They changed their minds and pivoted more often. The first group stuck decisively to their original visions–what most of us think the best leaders do.

How decisive are you? Should you be less decisive and more inquisitive?

Try this five-minute routine before bed. Last thing before you go to sleep, write down your biggest accomplishments for the day.

Don’t write something like, “I got half of my report written, but I was hoping to finish the whole thing.” Only write the positive, and don’t water it down with qualifications. Next, write down your biggest priority–there can only be one–for tomorrow. The whole process should take five minutes or less.

I’ve been doing it for a couple of years and it counteracts me feeling that I never get enough done, and helps me focus on what really matters for the following day. Will you give it a try?

Think Again Challenge: Do you mistake experience for expertise?

If someone has been doing a job for many years that could mean they’re really good at it. But, Adam Grant notes, it could also mean they’ve done the same things the same way for decades and never tried new ideas or approaches.

Do you assume someone with years of experience is an expert? And if you’ve been doing something for decades yourself, are you still open to new ideas?

Are you feeling overwhelmed? This advice might help.

When I interviewed time management coach Anna Dearmon Kornick, she explained that overwhelm doesn’t come from having too much to do, it comes from having too many different things to pay attention to. Having a visual list of of all your projects prominently displayed and ranking them by importance (which most people hate) can help, she says.

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed these days, so I’m going to give this a try. How about you?

Do you have any of the habits that could spell trouble for your relationship?

It’s all too easy to take your relationship for granted, especially if you’re focused on your business or your career. But there are certain habits that can lead to trouble in the long term, research on married couples shows. For instance, do you ever stonewall your significant other?

If you and your partner are fighting, how often does one of you say something like, “I don’t want to fight. Can we start this conversation over?” And does the other one agree to start over, or do they stay angry and keep fighting?

Think Again Challenge: Are you blind to your own blindness?

Adam Grant writes about the phenomenon that sometimes people who lost their vision refused to acknowledge that they were blind. If they bumped into furniture or couldn’t read what was in front of them, they’d say things like, “It’s too dark in here, why don’t you turn on a light?” or “I forgot my glasses.” They were mentally unable to accept that they were blind.

These cases are extreme but we all fool ourselves about some things, I think. There are things we can’t do, or can no longer do, but we tell ourselves we can. Are there things like that for you?

I just interviewed the author of a new book called Jerks at Work about the most problematic co-workers (or employees, if you’re the boss) in the workplace. So I thought I’d ask all of you: Who are the worst people you’ve had the displeasure of working with? What did they do to make themselves particularly annoying? Did you find effective ways to deal with them?

And have there been times when you were the workplace jerk? What did you do and why?

Think Again Challenge: Do you enjoy being wrong?

Most of us hate it. But Adam Grant writes about a few special people who love it instead. A Nobel laureate psychologist, after reading a study that disproved him lit up with a big smile. “That was wonderful. I was wrong.” He said he loved learning that he was wrong because it always meant he was less wrong than before. Only when we discover we are wrong can we be sure we’re learning.

It’s a challenge for most of us, definitely including me. But next time we learn we’re wrong, we should try to feel pleased instead of annoyed. After all, we’ll be less wrong than before.

We all want more confidence, including me. But what if we’re defining it the wrong way?  Confident people still get nervous, they make mistakes, and they may doubt themselves in unfamiliar situations. True confidence isn’t fearlessness. It’s trusting yourself and your own abilities enough to take on new challenges and face the reality that you might make a mistake. It’s admitting when you’re wrong and knowing that your mistakes don’t mean you’re worthless.

How confident are you? And what does true confidence mean to you?

Think Again Challenge: How much do you hate being proved wrong?

Here’s an odd fact from Adam Grant: If you default on a loan, the loan officer who approved it is more likely–not less–to give you another loan. چرا؟ Loan officers are human, and we all have a human desire not to be proven wrong. If you pay off the second loan, it will vindicate their decision to give you the first one.

We’ve all done some version of this. We keep wearing that overpriced piece of clothing that doesn’t fit. We stay in that miserable relationship our friends and family disapproved of. What have you done to avoid being proved wrong?

Do you ever have a meltdown?

I had one recently after a day full of frustrations. What finally, stupidly sent me over the edge was when a new client sent me a link to a Google Drive folder I’m supposed to use for invoices, but I’m locked out of the folder. I dealt with it by going for a short quick walk around our neighborhood, only about half a mile but with a lot of uphill in it.

There’s actual science that says a short burst of exercise can help deal with negative feelings. But I wasn’t thinking about that, I just knew I needed to move. تو چطور؟ How do you cope when frustrations send you over the edge?

When Warren Buffett turned 90, his pal Bill Gates made a video supposedly baking him an elaborate Oreo cake. (Gates famously can’t cook, so it was obviously fake.) In a lovely tribute, Gates said he hangs around Buffett because he’s following Buffett’s own advice to spend as much time as possible with people you admire. Which got me wondering if I do enough of that in my own life.

How about you? How much time do you spend around people you admire? Should it be more? And if so, what can you do to make that happen?

Think Again Challenge: Do you think you’re attractive?

You could be wrong. Research shows unattractive people think they’re better looking than they are. And attractive people think they’re worse looking than they are. Whether you think you’re hideous or gorgeous, you’re almost certainly wrong.

Do you know people who are less–or more–good looking than they think they are? Could this apply to you too?

Today’s column is about Kayla, Keagan, and Ashley Serverius who are 14 and 12 (Ashley and Keagan are twins). Their crowdfunding site Kid Everest is for “kidpreneurs” like themselves.

But how did they get funding to build the site? By selling lemonade. “A 4-5-hour lemonade stand earns about $200,” they told me. Now Kid Everest is funding all sorts of projects, getting tons of attention and recently came in second in a pitch competition. Lemonade started it all.

Things that seem inconsequential sometimes have a big impact

Think Again Challenge: What have you changed your mind about?

“Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” This quote from George Bernard Shaw is the epigraph of Think Again. It got me pondering the things I’ve changed my mind about and whether there have been enough of them. I’ve changed my mind about broccoli, curling (it’s fascinating!), and people I’ve initially disliked. But I don’t know that I’ve changed my mind about anything fundamental and I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

What about you? Have you ever changed your mind about something important?

There’s a TEDx Talk I love by consultant David Mitroff who began calling himself a standup comic after audience members told him he was one. A friend tried to convince him he wasn’t because he hadn’t formally trained as a standup comic or performed at The Improv, but Mitroff realized, if you do what a standup comic does, that makes you a standup comic.

Have you built up an expertise or skill but don’t dare call yourself an expert (or put it in your LinkedIn profile)? What might happen if you acknowledged your own expertise?

Think Again Challenge: Preacher, prosecutor, politician, or all three?

One of Adam Grant’s colleagues observed that when people talk and think about things, we often slip into one of three mindsets. We become preachers to defend our deeply held beliefs. We turn into prosecutors to pick apart opinions we disagree with. We become politicians to convince others of our point of view. But we never question our own beliefs.

When you catch yourself in preacher, prosecutor, or politician mode, stop for and ask yourself why you’re so sure that you’re right. Is this a belief you should consider rethinking?

Check right now: Are your bottom and top teeth touching?

Unless you’re chewing something, they should not touch. If they do, you may be grinding your teeth or clenching your jaw. Both lead to fractured teeth, which are on the rise since the pandemic began. Stress can cause clenching, but so can bad ergonomics in work-at-home setups.

There are  self-care steps you can take to reduce stress and spinal strain. But first you need to know you’re doing it. So, every now and then, check if your teeth are touching.

Having trouble staying focused these days?

I know I am. But some simple habits can help. For instance, plan ahead for your own “escape activities.” You know, the things you do while you should be focused on work: Snacking, checking social media, reading news, computer games.

We escape to these when a task gets challenging or tedious. You can reduce your own escapism by planning for it. Put a reasonable portion of a healthy snack by your desk. Sign out of social media. Close out those news sites and games. Then take regular breaks when escape activities are allowed so you don’t feel deprived.

Think Again Challenge: Do you have impostor syndrome?

Impostor syndrome is the belief that you’ve fooled people into thinking you’re smarter and more competent than you really are. If you’ve ever felt you were under-qualified for a job even though you were doing well at it, that was likely impostor syndrome. Adam Grant says more than half the adult population may have had it at one time or another. Women and people of color may be especially prone to feeling like impostors. Sometimes impostor syndrome drives people to higher achievement as they strive to prove their own worth.

Have you ever felt like an impostor?

In a conversation, how much time do you spend speaking compared with how much time others speak?

Do you even notice when you (or they) dominate the conversation and suck up all the “air time”? And what’s going on in your mind while others are speaking? Do you tune in to what they’re telling you? Or are you busy planning what you’ll say when it’s your turn again?

These questions are more important than you might think. Research shows that if you do most of the talking people like you less, even if they seem to enjoy it at the time. The more you focus in and listen to others, the more likable you are.

Think Again Challenge: If you gave a passion talk, what would it be about?

Every year, Adam Grant’s students each give a passion talk–a presentation on any subject. Passion talks have covered everything from how to beatbox to how to make the world safer for those with allergies. If I gave a passion talk, it might be about how to make a really good wood fire.

If you were to give a passion talk, what would it be about? What would you love to teach people?

How do you cope when you can’t solve a problem?

I’ve been fretting about expenses lately. I’ve been spinning on a mental hamster wheel for months — if I can add this to my income and cut that expense, will everything come out all right? I drove myself to a mini-meltdown.

Then it hit me: I haven’t found the solution yet but I believe I will and that’s good enough for now. I relaxed enough to think clearly and suddenly it all didn’t seem quite so daunting.

What problems are you grappling with right now? What if you trust yourself to find a solution in time, even if it isn’t clear yet? Can you know that that’s OK?

Think Again Challenge: Are you an armchair quarterback?

I sometimes think people watch sports for the pleasure of saying how much better they would do than the coaches and players on the field. We all are armchair quarterbacks sometimes , including me. I write about things big companies do wrong as though I could do better. I don’t have the first idea of how to run a company.

How many times have you thought you could run a store/restaurant/school better than the people doing it? This week, when you catch yourself thinking this way, ask yourself if it’s really true. Or could there be challenges you don’t know about?

I want to try and disconnect from work completely while on vacation.

I’m not really good at that–I read and respond to email all weekend and I’ve been known to write entire articles and reports when supposedly on vacation. I’m trying to get better though, because I’m seeing that the busier I get, the more I need that complete break. I suspect I’m not the only one because many of the busiest people I know do completely shut down on weekends.

How about you? How good are you at turning work off completely when you’re not supposed to be working?

Did you take a vacation yet this year? I know, I know. The economic crisis makes it scary to spend money. Flying is frightening, not to mention the threat of bad weather and wildfires.

Still. We all need time off and we all benefit from getting away. So after much (much!) discussion, Bill and I have finally reserved a week away in the San Juan Islands which are nearby and which we have never visited.

How about you? If you’ve taken a summer vacation, did you come back refreshed and energetic? If not–what are you waiting for? Labor Day is only a week away.

Think Again Challenge: How many times have you rethought your profession?

For me, the answer to that question is zero. I hadn’t given it much thought till I read Adam Grant’s book. I just felt lucky, since most people I know have switched professions or jobs multiple times. It is a privilege to make a living as a writer and I’ve always been happy doing it. But loving my job is limiting in some ways too. I don’t think I’ll ever be anything else and I don’t know that I’ll ever want to retire–it’s too much part of my identity.

What does your profession mean to you? And how many times have you rethought it?

For those readers who are Gen-X and Boomers, here’s a little PSA. The younger people in your life may be slightly offended if you write “OK” in answer to a question or request.

I know “OK” seems natural to people our age and I was shocked to learn this, but in their world, it’s impolite. More polite is “Ok,” which I’ve been trying to use instead or “kk” which just seems weird to me.

This might sound like a joke, but it’s real.

Final Think Again Challenge: What are you ready to rethink in your own life?

All month, we’ve been playing around with Adam Grant’s book. Now it’s time to ask: What are you prepared to rethink in your own life? Are there beliefs you’ve held on to for too long? Are you in a rut in your job or your home town? Do you always go to the same places/shop in the same stores/hang out with the same people?

Are you happy with your habits and beliefs, or do you want to shake things up? If so, what would you like to change?

Would you like to be able to buy things  just by using your hand?

You can do that right now in two Amazon Go stores in downtown Seattle. There’s a device that scans your palm and charges your credit card accordingly. So far, it’s a proof of concept, but imagine someday buying groceries, getting through the doors at concerts or even boarding airplanes using just your hand. I myself love this idea, but then I always go gaga over new technology.

What about you, do you think this is fun and convenient? Or maybe creepy?

This weekend, can you do one thing you’ve never done before?

It can be a small thing, like eating an oyster or an artichoke if you’ve never done that. Or a big thing like rock climbing or riding in a hot air balloon (something I’m drawn to but have never done).

Research shows that new experiences can be memorable and thus make the weekend seem longer, so by doing something new, you could be doing yourself a big favor. Will you give it a try? And then let me know how it goes?

Do you watch video on your phone? Do you like doing it?

Twenty-five years ago, Bill Gates (who was right about a lot of other stuff) predicted that people would hardly ever watch videos on a small smartphone-type screen. Smartphones hadn’t been invented yet, but he could see them coming. Now he believes people will want bigger and bigger screens at home that may someday take up a whole wall — or else we’ll use VR goggles and the “screen” will fill our entire field of vision.

Do you think he’s right? And how would you feel about a room-size screen for your next Zoom meeting? Or doing Zoom in VR??

At an Inc. 5000 Vision Conference, a speaker recalled Southwest Airlines founder Herb Kelleher. SWA is a decidedly lighthearted airline and a flight attendant joked “In the event of a water landing we’ll be serving cocktails on the wings.”

A passenger sent an outraged email saying air disasters aren’t funny and threatening to quit Southwest. Kelleher’s 3-word reply: “We’ll miss you.”

How often have you stood firm, trusting your own judgment when you were sharply criticized? From what I’ve seen, most of us should do it more often.

I’ve been reading about cognitive neuroscience, which includes the idea that different emotions give you different physical sensations. I seem to live mostly in my head and I’m guessing some of you do too, so this might be a good thing to pay attention to.

Every day this week, stop at least once to check in with your emotions and ask yourself how those emotions feel in your body. What does happy feel like? Bored? غمگین؟ Angry? Do you feel inspired to do something to change those sensations, such as stretching or slow breathing or going for a walk? (If not, that’s fine.) Let me know how it goes.

Want someone to like you? Use the Ben Franklin Effect, basically a way to hack someone’s brain.

Ask a favor, preferably an easy one, one that flatters them, or both. Ben Franklin used it by asking an enemy to lend him a rare book. The man lent Franklin the book and thereafter was his good friend. It works because once someone has done something for you, they have to like you or it creates cognitive dissonance: Why would they have done a favor for someone they don’t like?

At an Inc. 5000 Vision Conference, long-time entrepreneurs Norm and Elaine Brodsky described a planning exercise they do annually.

۱٫ Decide where you would like to be in 5 years.

۲٫ Each of you pick three things you want to do in the coming year with that plan in mind. Take a vacation, learn a new skill, build your business, whatever. Agree to each other’s top three and then write them and post them somewhere you’ll see them every day, such as on the fridge.

That way you won’t get bogged down in the day-to-day and forget. “What you plan, you will accomplish,” Norm said. Makes sense to me. What about you?

You may think “philanthropist” means “billionaire out to save the world,” but as Bill Gates says, philanthropy is for everyone, at any scale. Take me, I send $10 every month to Doctors Without Borders and another $10 to rebuild the beloved, employee-owned Breitenbush Retreat Center in Oregon, much of which burned in the wildfires. These donations go out automatically from my bank — I don’t think about them. You don’t even have to spend money, volunteering counts too.

That’s all it takes to be a philanthropist, and as Gates says, it can be fun. How about you?

This weekend, can you make a start on — or make progress on — something you’ve been meaning to do for a long time?

For example, I need to clean the weeds and dead leaves out of the cracks in our driveway. And I may find time to pull out the quilt I started six years ago before we moved as a farewell to our old home. But it could be something more serious or even career-related as well. If you try this, let me know how it goes.

You may have heard the first US nest of giant “murder” hornets was found in Washington. Researchers caught some hornets and attached tiny trackers to them — using dental floss. They released a smartphone app so ordinary citizens could follow the trackers.

That turned out to be a smart move when the scientists lost track of a hornet and a woman using the app told them which way it went. Lots of officials might have followed their instincts to keep their activities under wraps and lost that hornet. I think it’s almost always better to share information than to withhold it. What do you think?

I feel like we can all use a break, so just for today, here’s a video of the incomparable David Crosby singing “Radio” from his 2014 album Croz. He co-wrote the song with his son James Raymond, who grew up not knowing that Crosby was his Dad. They connected a few years ago and started writing music together. That’s James on keyboard.

I love the message of this song, as well as the song itself. Back to my usual career self-care tips tomorrow.

Take a break from “doomscrolling.”

You know — when you can’t stop reading frightening, disturbing, or infuriating news and you keep scrolling from one item to another and then another. Wildfires! Pandemic! Politics! ولی. There’s a relatively small amount of information we truly need. Most of the rest is just serving to upset us.

So this week, set some boundaries. If you’re going to read this kind of news (or maybe any news) set a timer for half an hour and then stop for the day. You’ll feel better. You’ll be more productive. And there’ll be plenty more bad news for you to scroll through tomorrow.

Today I read about Tibetan monk Gelong Thubten who says constant striving prevents happiness — whatever we have we want something more.

I suspect he’s right. For years, I yearned for an electric car. Getting one made me happy for a while. Now it’s just my car, though I like it much more than a gas one. Lately I’ve dreamed of upgrading, which would make me happy — temporarily.

Is there an item in your life — possession, accomplishment, earnings, or anything else — where you could say, “This is good, this is enough, I’m happy”? Wouldn’t it feel good, for once, to stop wishing for more?

In an interview where Bill Gates talked about lessons he learned from the pandemic, one really stood out. He said he brought together people with very different skills.

Some experts believe creativity and leadership are all about making connections — between different skills, different disciplines and different ideas. Steve Jobs famously did this when he used what he knew about calligraphy to design computer fonts.

Have you made connections or brought people together when it had a big impact? If so, what inspired you? Are there opportunities to do it again?

The human brain is wired to focus on the negative.

I’ve noticed this about myself, for example when several people praise something I did and one person criticizes it. What I hadn’t considered, till someone said it in a video I watched today, is that the same is true of my interactions with others. I can be nice to someone 10 times and rude 1 time — and that negative encounter will stick in their memory.

Have you ever let stress or tiredness get the better of you, and been snippy with a co-worker, stranger, or loved one? You may forget it quickly. Chances are, they won’t, so fighting those impulses is well worth it.

In a fascinating experiment, people who took a 15-minute walk once a week alone while focusing on their awe at the natural world experienced profound mental health benefits that could be seen in their survey responses and in the selfies they took. A control group that took walks without the awe component didn’t see the same benefits.

This weekend, can you make time for a 15-minute awe walk of your own? Can you turn it into a weekly habit? You may find yourself with a bigger smile, just like the people in the experiment did.

Sometimes silly things are surprisingly effective.

This week, T-Mobile gave away Betty Crocker cake mix for a cake in the company’s signature magenta. I expected people to mock it on social media but instead, they were mostly disappointed that T-Mobile ran out of cake mix in the first couple of hours. What’s more, they had absorbed T-Mobile’s underlying message about different layers of 5G service. Users reported which layers they had in different parts of the country.

Have you ever used something simple and silly to get a complicated point across?

Being kind and compassionate to others is a good thing to do and can make the world a better place. But it also has  benefits for your brain and your physical health, a recent Stanford study revealed. چرا؟ Because when we feel kindness and compassion, we also send a signal to our bodies and brains that we’re safe and all is well.

No wonder Tibetan monks who spend hours meditating on compassion are some of the world’s happiest people. So look for opportunities to feel kindness and compassion for others, and to act on those feelings. Then notice whether it makes you feel better, too.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg changed the world, often by reaching out to the enemy.

She ended sexist laws by representing men (she made Social Security pay widower’s benefits to a man whose wife died in childbirth so he could stay home and raise their son). She was close friends with conservatives William Rehnquist and Antonin Scalia.

Honor the Notorious RBG this week by making friends with someone who deeply disagrees with you. Or at least get acquainted and try to see that person as a fellow human being. Is that easier or harder than doing the RBG workout in your 80s?

۲۶ years ago, Bill Gates gave a speech about the future of the internet. Eric Yuan was in the audience.

He’d dreamed of video chat to talk to distant loved ones. After hearing Gates’ speech, he decided to emigrate from China to the U.S. to work on videoconferencing. Then he left a “high six-figure” job at Cisco WebEx after they rejected his proposal to make video chat mobile-friendly. Instead, he founded his own company, which turned out to be Zoom.

Have you ever loved an idea or a vision of the future so much you were willing to change your whole life for it? If so, how did it work out?

I recently posted a piece about  pitching Mark Cuban and how to capture his attention in two seconds.

Cuban is the rare billionaire investor who actually opens all the pitches he gets from strangers, so pitching him is well worth the effort. One reader decided to try it and sent Cuban an email pitch. Cuban quickly responded with some questions, which the reader answered. Ultimately, Cuban passed, but he provided some advice that will help the company pitch other investors.

Do you have something you want to pitch? Don’t waste time wondering whether you should. Just go do it!

I love brain coach Jim Kwik and his many lessons for using our brains most efficiently. One is that information combined with emotion becomes unforgettable. You forget what you learn if it’s just information; you remember it when you feel something at the same time — angry, sad, amused, etc.

You can use this to your advantage. Next time you want someone to remember what you tell them, pair it with something emotional, such as a moving or infuriating anecdote. Let me know if it worked! For more tips, here’s a great 1-hour workshop Kwik gave at Inc.com.

This weekend, can you reach out with a phone call, text, or (at least) a social media message to someone you haven’t been in contact with for a long time? And old school friend, ex-colleague, or family member far away?

I’m going to do this challenge with you because I struggle with this stuff myself. It’s always uncomfortable to make the first move when you’ve fallen out of touch. And yet, it’s so important, especially these days when so many of us are struggling with loneliness and isolation. If you do it, please let me know how it goes.

Dollar General is facing accusations that its store managers have to work six or seven days a week to keep their stores open and running because they aren’t allowed to hire enough help. If true, that approach may help Dollar General keep prices low in spite of inflation. That benefits customers, but its employees are paying the price.

When most of us find a bargain, we don’t stop to ask questions, we just grab it while we can. Maybe we should pause for a moment and consider if anyone was harmed along the way.

I was looking at a photo of a woman in Kyiv gazing out from a partially destroyed building at the ruins of the building next door. It’s hard not to notice that some places in Ukraine look like they could be in America. It got me wondering how I would handle it if the places where I live and shop disappeared from one day to the next.

We’re so spoiled that we get grumpy if our coffee takes too long to arrive. We take safety and stability as a given. What if we couldn’t anymore? How would the world look different?

Tell the truth this week.

A study shows Americans lie at least 1.65 times a day, including white lies and lies of omission. Can we make it through 7 days without lying about anything? (I’ll try it too.)

If you do catch yourself lying, stop and think about it for a moment. What would have been the consequences of telling the truth? A damaged relationship? Hurt feelings? Higher tax payments? Thinking back, was there a way to tell the truth and minimize the harm? Let me know how it goes.

I never thought I was. Then I realized that in group situations I kind of gravitate toward taking the lead. But even if I have an affinity for leadership, that doesn’t mean I’m good at it. I would need more experience than I’ve had. And perhaps training, of which I have none. Too many of us land in leadership situations without really understanding what’s required, which is what happened to me when I became president of ASJA.

What about you? Do you have an affinity for leadership? Have you ever landed in a leadership role you weren’t ready for?

Do you help people even if they’re different from you?

At a music event in a French winery, my husband got blocked in by a white Peugeot. He went through the crowd trying to find the car’s owner, but his French isn’t the best. It’s unclear whether they understood him but it is clear that no one tried to help.

Typical French behavior, you might say. But I think we’ve all turned our backs at times on people who seemed uninformed or alien. Next time you encounter someone who seems clueless and maybe can’t speak English properly, consider how you might come across if you were in a foreign land. And help them if you can.

How do you cope with manipulators?

I asked recently and your answers were clear: The worst people to work with are the ones who act nice to the higher-ups and sabotage their peers. Your instinct might be to confront them, as you would a playground bully. But psychology professor Tessa West says that’s a bad idea because they’re adept at getting bosses or authorities to listen to them. Instead, she advises, find a neutral third party who can help you.

How have you dealt with the manipulators in your own workplace?

Here in the Pacific Northwest, the rainy season is threatening to set in so this might be a good time to curl up with a good read and some fuzzy slippers. My only request is that you pick a book that you look forward to reading, that once you get into it, you probably won’t want to put it down. Don’t read anything self-improvement or work-related. (Read those things some other time, but not this weekend.)

I’m writing this as I’m about to head out on vacation, so you know for sure I’m doing some pleasure reading myself. And if you find a book you really like, let me know what it was!

Do you spend your money or yourself?

Many airlines these days invite people to bid for a class upgrade, and I bid for one on a recent red-eye to Europe. The lowest acceptable bid was still expensive, so I had mixed feelings when we got it. But having a seat that turned into a bed meant arriving much better rested. An old friend of mine would say, “When you travel, you either spend your money or you spend yourself.” I think that’s true, and sometimes it’s true even when not traveling, for instance if you hire someone to mop your floor.

How do you decide when to spend your money and when to spend yourself?

Do you make assumptions about what other people know?

My husband drank a glass of strong quince brandy in one swallow at a cookout the other day because he thought it was flavored water. Easy mistake, since it was homemade and stored in an old Perrier bottle. I knew what it was but I didn’t warn him because I stupidly assumed that he knew too.

Have you ever foolishly assumed that others know as much as you do about a situation? It’s important to consider that they might not, and perhaps share your information. Otherwise, you might cause a misunderstanding and–like my husband–someone could suffer the consequences.

We’re all mortal. Let that set you free.

Oliver Burkeman titled his book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals because that’s the average life expectancy of a human. There’s an infinite number of things we want to do but our time on this planet is finite. That’s sobering, but can also be liberating, he says, because you can let yourself off the hook for things like having a messy kitchen or not answering emails.

What hooks will you let yourself off of?

I recently texted Burkeman’s challenge to choose something to fail at and people liked it. So I’ll be texting challenges inspired by his book throughout October.

Are you good at not being the center of attention?

I’m terrible at it. I’m noticing that this this week, as the hanger-on spouse during my husband’s music residency in France. No one knows or cares what I do for a living, which feels weird to me but is as it should be because they’re all paying attention to him. It’s fun watching him wow the audience–I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And it’s probably good for me to fade into the background.

I know a lot of you are entrepreneurs or have high-powered jobs, so you’re used to being the center of attention. How well do you handle it when you’re not?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Are you trying to meet impossible standards?

Oliver Burkeman poses this great question. Unreasonably high standards can make you unhappy if you’re always disappointed in yourself. Also, you may be putting things off until that standard (of bank account, success, weight loss, loan payoff, etc.) is reached. But 4,000 weeks is too little time to put off anything that makes you happy or fulfilled, especially if what you’re waiting for might never happen.

Can you still be happy with yourself if you don’t meet your own high standards? And is there anything you should stop putting off?

How do you handle being separated from your loved ones?

I’m spending six weeks away from my husband. He’s in France for two months and for many reasons–including the release of my book–I have to go home. It will be the longest time we’ll have spent apart since we met. I wanted this–it’s a dream come true for him. And we have Zoom.

We’re lucky to be doing this by choice. Many people are separated by war, by the pandemic, or by the need to earn a living away from home. Who are the people in your life you hate being away from? And how do you handle it when you have to be apart?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Set a firm quitting time.

This is surprisingly hard for some of us. You start the day with big plans (or demands from your boss). If those tasks aren’t completed at day’s end, you may feel tempted or compelled to keep on working. Oliver Burkeman recommends pre-planned work hours, say 8:30 am to 5:30 pm. With those limits in mind “you’ll be aware of the constraints on your time and more motivated to use it wisely.”

This week, can you decide in advance what time you’ll quit each day? And then try to stick to it?

When you’re feeling frightened or sad, do you use music to make yourself feel better? If you don’t, you should try it, because it’s one of the most effective mood-altering tools we have.

The trick, though, is to find the right music. If you’re sad, happy music will likely just annoy you. Instead, pick something from this 715-song playlist of mostly sad, sweet, uplifting tunes specifically chosen because they can give you that feeling of chills down your spine that a great sad song can.

James Taylor’s “Sweet Baby James” does it for me. What works for you?

How do you know what you can and can’t control?

I read recently that the most resilient people first approach a problem by determining what is and isn’t within their control. That makes so much sense to me. But it’s difficult, isn’t it? Like a lot of entrepreneurs, I sometimes convince myself I can control things that I really can’t. On the other hand, I think some people make the opposite mistake–they hit an obstacle and give up too easily, or so it seems to me. But the truth is, it’s very hard to tell.

How do you decide what’s within your control and what isn’t?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Are you waiting to become a grownup?

I catch myself doing this all the time. When my childless aunt died years ago, I brought home her good china. I’ve used it three times. Our parties tend to involve musicians wandering around holding paper plates and cups of beer. I keep thinking someday–when I’m a grownup–I’ll have proper dinner parties with candlesticks and the good china. Meantime, I’m old enough to be the grandmother of a grownup. And paper plate parties are more fun.

What about you? Are you waiting for your “grownup” life to begin? If you are, should you stop waiting?

My husband and I sold an old car, and the buyer asked to keep the plates a few days till he got new ones. He never brought them back. Instead, he ran a red light with them, and we got a $124 ticket in the mail.

It was obviously a mistake to let the guy keep the plates, one we won’t make again. But it got me thinking, is it better to go be trusting and get taken advantage of once in a while? Or is it better to view everyone and everything with suspicion and get ripped off less, but at a psychological cost?

I’m not sure I know the right answer. What do you think?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Use the power of “not now.”

We try to do too many things at once, Oliver Burkeman says. Instead, do them in sequence. While finishing a big project, you might neglect your exercise routine. Later, you might train for a race and prioritize that. When you’re young, you might hyper-focus on your career. When you have young children, you might temporarily set that career aside. This works on a smaller level too, like focusing on one task today and saying “not now” to other priorities.

Can you use the power of “not now” to make your life better, or at least less frustrating?

How much time do you spend in nature?

As you’re reading this, I’m on my way to a hot spring in the middle of the woods with a few female friends. This is not a resort or spa, it’s just a hole in the ground with hot water in it that you reach after a short hike.

I love this kind of thing. I know not everyone does. And you don’t have to go deep into the woods. But multiple studies suggest that spending time outdoors among trees–even if it’s just at a park–benefits both your health and your mental function. How often do you spend time in nature? Where do you most enjoy it?

Some say it should be considered lucky, not unlucky, except for the Knights Templar who were arrested on Friday October 13, 1307, which was a long time ago. In Chinese culture, 13 is lucky and 4 is unlucky. Some things seem unlucky but turn out to be lucky. When my husband was in the hospital with a heart attack, I spent the night on a bench and lost my wedding ring, never found despite a thorough search. It seemed like such a bad omen, yet he recovered and is healthier than before.

Have you had something that seemed unlucky turn out to be lucky?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Make an  already-done list.

You likely have a to-do list which is useful in all sorts of ways. Oliver Burkeman recommends an already-done list as well. I got this same advice from a coach years ago and I loved doing it. Once you’ve reached a goal, you may tend to set it aside, eager to tackle the next one. It’s worth taking a few minutes to consider what you’ve already achieved and how far you’ve come.

When you read books or long articles, how do you do it? On paper? On your phone? An e-reader? Or do you prefer audiobooks? As it turns out, research shows that how you read can make a big difference to how much you remember and how much you learn from your reading. For most people, reading on paper trumps e-reading, and reading of any kind trumps listening to the text.

That’s bad news for me since I much prefer reading on my tablet to paper. But there are some things you can do to make e-reading better, beginning with turning off your notifications.

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Discover JOMO–the joy of missing out.

Oliver Burkeman says FOMO–fear of missing out–is a bad thing, considering our limited time on this planet. FOMO can stop you from going on a trip for fear a better deal will come along. It can keep you from committing to a relationship because you’re wondering who else is out there. But research shows that people who make commitments are happier than those who keep their options open.

Are there areas in life where you’re keeping your options open and you should commit instead? And discover the joy in missing out on everything else.

Who can’t you solve problems without?

When I got the news that my Mom died, I couldn’t think to call anyone or do anything until my husband came home from a luncheon. Same for him: I was away when he had his heart attack, but his blood pressure dropped 20 points the moment I walked into his hospital room.

After so many years as a team, neither of us is good at tackling big problems without the other. I’ve been thinking about this because I’m staying home while he’s in France and a few problems have come up. Is there someone you count on to help with life’s challenges? How do they help you?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Don’t wait to be generous.

This is a great piece of advice from Oliver Burkeman. Often, we have a generous impulse but plan to act on it later. We’ll give money to the Boy Scouts on the way out of the grocery store instead of the way in. We intend to write a praising email but we wait till we have time to get the words just right.

Don’t wait! Follow those generous impulses when they arrive because they will make both you and the recipient of your generosity happier. And when we delay a generous act, we often wind up not doing it at all. Who can you be generous to today?

How often do you question the doctor?

My little tabby cat got very sick, so I took her to the animal hospital. A vet told me gently that she would die soon. He recommended an ultrasound for fuller info but he was sure she had advanced cancer. It would have been logical to put her to sleep but I wasn’t ready so I said OK to the ultrasound. Good thing, because he was wrong–she wasn’t dying, she was constipated. They treated that and now she’s fine.

When doctors make pronouncements, do you question them? Most of us may need to do it more often. Because, unfortunately, this kind of thing happens with human doctors, too.

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Should you be less comfortable?

Oliver Burkeman asks: Where in life or work are you seeking comfort when a little discomfort would be better? Doing anything you really care about is inherently uncomfortable, he says. You might fail. “It means risking embarrassment, holding difficult conversations, disappointing others, and getting so deep into relationships that additional suffering…is all but guaranteed.”

It’s natural to avoid these things. But it’s a recipe for staying exactly where you are. آیا شما آن را می خواهید؟ Or do you want to add just a little discomfort to your life?

Do you use the power of weak ties?

That may sound odd but in a recent webinar, Adam Grant talked about how effective it can be to ask our weak ties–people in our extended network whom we may not know well–to help us reach our goals. In one weak tie network he works with, for a company call Givitas, Grant says some 80 percent of people who ask get meaningful help. He also says people who get help often seek to pay it forward by helping others, creating a virtuous cycle that helps more and more people.

When was the last time you asked for help from your weak ties? Should you give it a try?

Do you scold yourself over missed opportunities?

I kick myself for not having built up a bigger social media following, not having sent out more pitches, and for every opportunity I didn’t take. But the truth is, no matter how much I wanted to do these things, it wasn’t possible to do them all.

The trick is to figure out which opportunities are the most important to pursue and which to pass up. And to accept the reality that sometimes you will guess wrong.

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: What would you do if you knew you would never reach your biggest goals?

This is a mind-bending question, at least for me. I spend so much of my life working to make my dreams come true. Maybe you do too. Oliver Burkeman notes that most artisans who built the cathedrals of Europe knew they’d never see that work completed because it would take hundreds of years. There are people today working on projects that won’t be finished in their lifetimes. Parenting is like that if you think about it.

What would you do different if you could forget about seeing the results of your work?

How much effort and money do you invest in your appearance?

For me, the answer has usually been: Not much. It never made much sense to me to spend big bucks on clothes when they can so easily be ruined by a spill or a disobedient pet. And I was never much for fussing over hair or makeup. My actress mother did that–not me.

But lately I’ve been thinking about how our appearance is also one more way of communicating to the world who we are. And that maybe I should take this whole subject a little more seriously. در مورد شما چطور؟ How much effort do you put into your appearance?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Can you find novelty in your daily life?

Years seem to fly by, especially as we get older. Oliver Burkeman says you can slow them down by breaking from routine and giving yourself new experiences–engaging more of your brain and making powerful memories.

Travel and special outings are great but you can’t do this all the time. So vary your routine. Take a different route and notice what you see. Play “I Spy” with a child. Visit someone you haven’t seen in ages or make a new friend. Life may be short but we can make the most of our time by really paying attention.

Are you grateful to your worst experiences?

Jennifer Lopez is. In a highly unusual award acceptance speech, she thanked heartbreak and disappointment, the people who lied to her and most especially those who said behind her back or to her directly that she was going to fail. All those things contributed to her success, and to her abilities as an actress, she told the audience.

What about you? Are there difficult experiences or people who hurt you that you’re grateful to because they made you who you are?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: What happens when you give up hope?

Most of us are taught you should never give up hope. In his book, Oliver Burkeman flips this on his head and actually tells us we should give up hope. He talked to an environmentalist trying to save species from extinction–a grim job–who is often asked how he keeps his hope alive. The answer is: he doesn’t. Hope means believing someone else will fix things. Having no hope means you have to fix them.

How would your life be different if you forgot about hope and just did the work to make things better?

Do you interrupt yourself?

With a huge trip coming up and 22 items on my pre-departure to-do list, I decided to take Friday off. As I was going about my various tasks, I heard a Slack message ding from inside my office. I knew it could wait a few minutes till I finished what I was doing. But still, I couldn’t help myself–I stopped short and went into my office to see what it was.

It got me thinking about those the worst interruptions are the ones we impose on ourselves. I’m thinking of writing a column about this. Is it just me, or do you interrupt yourself too?

During the pandemic, I missed travel so much! I have wanderlust in my blood. But this week, as I packed for yet another trip, I found myself wishing I could stay home to tend to my sick cat and pick the berries that are ripening on our bushes. I love travel, but I love being home too.

We all have to make choices–if we’re lucky enough to get to choose. But sometimes when I have to make a choice between two conflicting desires, I really wish I could say yes to both. Have you ever felt that way? What choices have you hated having to make?

Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Are you waiting to you feel like you know what you’re doing?

Oliver Burkeman says becoming an adult means letting go of the notion that people who run things like governments know what they’re doing. In fact, most everyone is winging it all the time, he says. So you can stop feeling self-conscious about your own shortcomings.

Should you stop waiting to feel like you’re an expert before you go after your biggest ambitions?

Happy Halloween! Here’s the final Four Thousand Weeks Micro-Challenge: Do the next most necessary thing.

Oliver Burkeman ends his book with this thought from Carl Jung: “If you do with conviction the next most necessary thing, you are always doing something meaningful.”

It’s a good way to respond to the finite-ness of human life. All we can ever expect of ourselves or each other is to do the next most necessary thing, whatever that is, and then the next, and the next. If you do this, you will have spent your 4,000 weeks well, Burkeman writes.

What’s your next most necessary thing? And will you go do it?

What are your travel must-haves?

I’ve been thinking about this since I’m spending so much time away from home these days. For example, I put together an airplane kit with everything I need to protect in flight: Airplane ear plugs, decongestant, and chewing gum to protect my troublesome ears–along with earbuds to plug into back-of-the-seat screens. I also refuse to board a plane without my tablet (with a good book loaded on it), extra sweaters, salty snacks, and a collapsible water bottle.

What about you? What do you absolutely have to have when you travel?

The world is in need. Can small actions help?

Flexport CEO Ryan Petersen warned that the war in Ukraine will mean a food crisis in the developing world because two of the world’s top five grain exporters are struggling with a grinding and seemingless endless war.

What can you do to help? You could sign up to volunteer in these places. Or clean out your savings to feed the hungry. But you could also do something very small, like sign up for a $10 monthly donation. That might be nearly imperceptible to you, but make a big difference to someone else. Should you consider giving it a try?

This is adapted from the Holistic Psychologist Nicole LePera because I love this idea. This weekend, every time you use the phrase “I am” or “I’m,” note what word come next. (Hungry? Tired? Having fun? Behind schedule?) Write them down in a note-taking phone app or notebook.

At the end of the weekend, look back at the words that you’ve used to describe yourself over the past two days. What do your most frequently used words tell you about how you’re feeling? When you use the phrase “I am” are you telling yourself that you are whatever follows? If so, is that helping you or harming you?

What do you do when you’re unreasonably aggravated?

Bill and I are staying in a centuries-old building in France. We have high ceilings, tall windows, and lots of light–but every step taken in the apartment above us creates a loud creaking sound. Upstairs are some perfectly nice people from South Africa, but they spend quite a lot of time striding around their apartment. If I climbed the stairs, what would I say? “Could you please stand still, for crying out loud?”

What do you do when something completely unreasonable drives you up the wall? Try to impose your tyrannical will on others? Or grit your teeth and bear it?

Feeling safe in the world seems to be a combination of your actual circumstances (if you’re alone on an ice floe, that truly is unsafe) and your experiences. People who’ve been deeply traumatized sometimes seem to permanently lose their sense of the world as a safe place. People who’ve lived sheltered lives may always see the world as safe.

Yet we’ve all known people who are unreasonably fearful even though nothing bad has ever happened to them. And others who have been through hell yet are fearless. (My mother was one of those.)

How safe do you feel? And why or why not?

I’ve been learning about focus and what it takes to get into that flow state where we’re totally engaged in a task and it seems almost effortless. What external distractions really throw you off your game and which ones can you ignore?

For example, earlier today I was working outside quite happily even though there was a loud crew of workers making a racket just across the fence. But if someone comes into my office to ask a question, it can throw me off for half an hour.

How about you? Which distractions really rattle you and which are no big deal?

Try writing a rejection resume.

Eli Joseph, Ph.D., who overcame obstacles to become a Columbia faculty member, says you should write a “rejection resume,” like a normal resume, but in reverse. Instead of writing where you graduated from, list the schools you flunked out of. Write down the jobs you got fired from (reporter at a daily newspaper in Poughkeepsie, NY for me!). Or the ones you wanted but didn’t get.

It can help you analyze what went wrong or if there’s a pattern you need to change. Later, you can look back at how far you’ve come. Should you give it a try?

Who connects you to the past?

Our friend Matt took us to dinner with his old family friend who is 90 years old and has lived in the same small-but-charming apartment for 61 years. To us, she was a fun and engaging dinner companion. To him, she’s much more–a link to his grandparents and his childhood, a rare piece of his life that hasn’t changed at all when everything else has.

It got me thinking about my aunts and my parents and my parents’ friends, almost all gone now. And how these people who link us to our past are to be treasured while we have them. Who in your life gives you links to your own past?

What silly things actually help you?

A member of this text community who’s survived cancer tells me she drinks her morning coffee out of one of two cups. One says, “Enjoy every moment,” and the other says “I do what I want.” It may sound dumb but that really helps her live in the moment and stay true to her own desires.

Sometimes really simple things, and even really silly ones, can make us feel better or remind us to stay true to ourselves. Are there any dumb little things that help you get through life?

Someone asked me this question and I thought it was a good one, so I’m asking all of you: Other than food or work, what makes you feel full? For me, singing, riding horses, and swimming in the ocean all fall into that category. So does connecting with friends and family.

This weekend, and all week if you like, pay attention to the things that fill you up. Once you’ve zeroed in on those things, can you find ways to get more of them into your life?

While writing this text, I finished off two pieces of toast with a thick layer of anchovy spread, because unlike most people I know, I love anchovies. I also love tofu, even though I’m not a vegetarian, obscure movies with subtitles, and even opera. On the other hand, I dislike potatoes and most birthday cakes.

My likes and dislikes may seem weird to others, but there they are. What do you love that everyone else hates, and vice versa?

Good Veteran’s Day to all the veterans out there, including my husband!

What do you miss most when you’re far from home?

Spending weeks away from home, I found I really missed our cats, my garden, my routines, our friends, and our memory foam mattress which is much more comfortable than anything we slept on while away. I love traveling, but coming home to all these people and things is an absolute pleasure.

What about you? What are the things and people you miss most when you’re away? What do you most look forward to getting home to?

You’re good at thanking people but a small tweak can make your thank-yous much more meaningful, says UC Berkeley’s Emiliana Simon-Thomas.

۱) Specify what the person did;

۲) Acknowledge the effort it took;

۳) Say how it helped you.

Like this: Thank you for signing up to receive my texts. I know it takes time out of your overfull day to read them and especially to respond. Because of you, I feel much more connected to my readers.

This week, can you do this every time you thank someone? It only takes a few extra seconds but it has big benefits for both you and them.

I’ve been thinking lately about how people nearing the end of their lives often say they regret spending so much time working and not enough time with their loved ones and friends.

With that in mind I stole a couple of hours away from work yesterday afternoon, even though I was behind on multiple deadlines. It was a precious sunny afternoon here in Western Washington now that the rainy season has set in, so my husband and I went on one of our favorite walks through old Snohomish and along the Snohomish River.

When was the last time you played hooky, and what did you do?

Do hard times help you focus on what’s important?

Google CEO Sundar Pichai sent a memo to all employees alerting them that worsening economic conditions would affect the company, limiting resources. Eventually, the economic conditions would lead to big layoffs. It was bad news but Pichai reminded Googlers that the company has always responded to tough times by focusing on what’s most important. “Scarcity breeds clarity,” he wrote.

Do you agree? Do hard times help you figure out what’s essential and what’s unnecessary?

What do you do when a giant steps on you?

I interviewed the founder of a 12-year-old company named META that makes immersive experiences using AR, VR and other tools. META was starting to see really big success. Then Facebook changed its name to Meta and it all came crashing down. After trying to negotiate and basically getting the brushoff,  META is suing Meta. It’s an uphill battle. The former Facebook has more money and lawyers and is better equipped for a long legal fight.

Have you ever had your rights trampled by a large company or other entity? If so, how did you respond?

I have a childhood friend who, even if we don’t talk for a year or more, we pick up where we left off. It’s great, but most relationships don’t work that way. You need to stay in touch and you need to show up to keep a relationship alive. This may be a bugaboo of mine because it’s something my father never seemed to understand, even after I told him plainly that by never making time for me, he was killing our relationship.

Don’t make the same mistake. Are there relationships in your life that could use some maintenance? If so, will you do something about it?

I don’t mean voice texting, I mean actually typing out a text. Or worse, reading and answering an email. A recent study found 87 percent of commuting knowledge workers answer emails, send messages–or even read–while they’re supposed to have their eyes on the road. So it seems likely some people in this text community do these things while they drive.

If that includes you, do you do anything to lessen the risks? And how do you feel about 87 percent of commuters in the other cars on the highway emailing or texting while they’re driving?

How are you dealing with economic changes?

With inflation rising and risk of a recession growing, it seems highly possible that the next couple of years–or more–won’t be as good a time in the economy as the last decade or so has been. If these predictions come true, how will that affect your own personal finances? Are you making any changes? If so, what are you doing?

None of us has a crystal ball. But what’s your best guess for what will happen in the economy over the next few years?

Have a conversation with your younger self.

I did this recently while writing a book chapter about success. My teenaged self was wilder than I am now and hopelessly ambitious. What would she say if she met me now? Would she be disappointed that I didn’t fulfill her biggest dreams, or happy about the things I have accomplished?

Imagine sitting down with your own young self and having a heart-to-heart. What would the young you say? What would the older you answer? Even if not everything in your life is what you wished for, I’ll bet your younger self would have a lot to be proud of.

Have you ever been deceived?

After I married my first husband, I learned almost everything he’d told me was a lie. Perhaps that’s why I’m fascinated with those who succeed at deception, such as fake German heiress Anna Delvey. Before she finally got arrested, she conned friends and institutions out of a total $275,000. Why did I believe my ex when there were obvious clues to the truth? Because I wanted it to be true, just as I desperately wanted someone I could love. I think Anna Delvey’s victims must have felt the same.

Have you ever been deceived? Was it partly you deceiving yourself?

When I was a kid, I loved Dannon prune whip yogurt. You probably think that’s strange, but the creamy yogurt and sweet, sticky prune whip were the perfect combo for my taste buds. Sadly, it disappeared from the shelves about 40 years ago. I’ve tried buying or making my own prune whip and mixing it into yogurt. It’s tasty, but not quite the same.

What products (food or non-food) did you used to love and now miss? Have you tried to find or re-create them?

Having a gratitude practice can be great, but some struggle to feel grateful. Why is it so hard? Experts point to various factors, including differences in individual brains (!) But there’s a simpler explanation: Feeling grateful means admitting that many things are outside your control. That might be tough if you believe that we make our own luck. Even though all it takes is a bad diagnosis or accident to show us just how lucky we’ve been.

Do you need to feel in control? If so, does that make it hard to feel grateful?

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

When was the last time you learned something completely new?

If you’d been outside my office, you’d have heard some awful screeching and squealing because I’m trying to learn the recorder. This may be bad news for my elderly cat (who’s made his displeasure clear), but it’s great for my brain. Research shows trying something unfamiliar and pushing yourself just to the point of frustration keeps your brain flexible. Learning a new language or other skill works too. So this weekend, I’ll be squawking away. What new thing will you try?

I was packing to fly to Toronto when I got a robocall saying my flight was “changed.” The change was a detour to Winnipeg where I would wait 27 hours for a flight, arriving in Toronto a day late. I canceled and booked a different airline.

By current rules, it’s not clear if the first airline owed me a refund. So the DOT proposed new rules: You’re entitled to a refund  if a flight is more than 3 hours late (6 for international) or if a new layover is added. They’re allowing 90 days for comment. Meanwhile, what’s the worst airline experience you’ve had?

Do you like having people visit your home?

My book group is meeting at our house and it’ll be the first gathering I’ve hosted since the pandemic. I enjoy having people over but it usually fills me with dread beforehand. The place is cluttered! The floors need mopping! The ugly carpet in the bathroom still hasn’t been replaced! Some people seem to always welcome people over–their homes are always neat, or they aren’t but it doesn’t seem to bother them. I envy people like that. I’d love to be comfortable inviting people over spontaneously.

How about you? Do you like having visitors? Does it fill you with fear? Or both?

Are you a rule-follower? من هستم. I’ve learned life is simpler that way. But sometimes it works against me. I’m taking online Portuguese lessons for our trip and I discovered I’d accidentally been skipping parts of the lessons. I don’t need them–I’ve already learned the material–but I feel compelled to go back and do them just because I’m supposed to. I’m going to try to forge ahead, even though it grates on my stay-inside-the-lines nature.

How about you? This week, can you do one thing in some way you know you shouldn’t?

Have you ever fallen asleep during a meeting? About 39 percent of respondents in a survey admitted they had. It wasn’t their fault. Most people say they start losing focus after 30 minutes or so, but many meetings go on for an hour or more. And research shows people think at least half the meetings they attend are a waste of their time.

If you lead meetings, these numbers should make you stop and think. Do your meetings go on too long? Does everyone present really need to be there? What can you do to make your meetings less sleep-inducing?

It comes up for all of us at some point. You’ve done something newsworthy. You establish some expertise in your profession and you get interviewed about that expertise. A friend invites you on their podcast. And suddenly, you’re being recorded and your words will be shared with thousands of people, maybe more. I tend to immediately dish out all the information I have which is usually too much. I’m trying to curb that habit. Thankfully, podcasts can and do get edited. Here I am on the GeekWire podcast.

How about you? How good are you at sounding good?

What’s the best way to reach a really big goal?

The bigger the goal, the more important it is to break it down into small, manageable steps. First, fantasize about where you want to be and what you want to be doing five years from now. Next, ask yourself what you need to do this year as a first step toward making that fantasy come true.

To help us all reach our goals in 2024, whatever they may be, I’m texting special Micro-Challenges in December as we count down to the new year.

December Micro-Challenge: Before we start planning a successful and self-caring 2024, it’s important to look back at 2023.

I know the year most people would be happy to forget! But ask yourself: What went right for you in 2023? What accomplishments make you proud? If you like, spend a few minutes writing down your answers electronically, on paper, or in a journal, or even making an audio or video recording. And feel free to share it with me if you like! I’m curious about what you all come up with.

At the ginormous Web Summit conference (100,000 participants!) Eric Schurenberg, former CEO of the company that publishes Inc., talked about the journey from print to digital for magazines. It was a chance to look back on how completely publishing has changed in the decades I’ve worked in it.

How has your job or industry changed over the years?

What do you do when you need to reset your mood?

I’ve needed a lot of mood resets recently when work overload led to grumpiness. Here’s what works for me: 1. A long walk, preferably to a beautiful spot. Our neighborhood with my dog pals and views of Mt. Rainier works too. 2. A long hot bath, preferably with salts and scents. If I really need a reset, I add candlelight and soft music. 3. Going to the movies was a reliable mood reset pre-pandemic, but now I’m out of the habit. Streaming a great movie or series in a dark room while lazing on the couch can work too.

How about you? What do you do when you need a mood reset?

December Micro-Challenge: Now that you’ve looked back on what went right in 2023, briefly look back on what you could have done differently.

Many things were outside your control. But are there choices you made that you would choose differently? Take one short moment to think back on those choices, and imagine where a different decision might have led. Now — please — forgive yourself and let it go. Don’t engage in self-blame; you did the best you could at the time.

Instead, what will you do in 2024 to help yourself make better decisions?

What’s been most valuable for you, specialized training or general learning?

In his review of the book Range, Bill Gates argues that studying a wide range of subjects and having a variety of interests leads to better mastery and greater innovation in the vast majority of professions. He thinks some of us are choosing specialties too early and focusing on one skill when we’d be better off playing the field.

What do you think? How has specialized study vs. general learning worked in your own life and career?

December Micro-Challenge: What is one thing you wish you had told someone in 2023, but you didn’t?

It could be someone you work with — “I need you to pay me more,” for example. Or someone in your non-work life. Maybe you haven’t told a family member that you love them. Or that something they did hurt your feelings. Maybe it’s telling a friend you don’t enjoy going out and getting drunk with them anymore.

There are 24 days left in the year. Whatever you haven’t told someone, can you be brave and do it before the year is up? Or at least, can you write whatever it is in a letter to them, even if you never send it?

Could you be more stressed than you realize?

There are several stages of stress, and most people don’t recognize them all. I just learned about the  Perceived Stress Scale, 10 questions that will help you figure out just how much stress you’re feeling. They ask things like over the past month, how often have you felt able to handle everything you have to do? It takes only a couple of minutes to take and score the test, yet it’s been shown to help predict known stress-related issues, such as catching colds easily.

December Micro-Challenge: Who have you spent too little time with in 2023? What can you do in 2024 to change that?

For me, one answer is my stepchildren and step-grandchildren in New York State. Even before we moved West, everyone’s busy lives often kept us apart. Since the move, we’ve jammed in visits during annual trips East, except in 2020, when the pandemic caused us to cancel. But one visit a year is far from enough. We could make up for it with more frequent video chats, and we will, beginning with a holiday family Zoom.

How about you? There’s still time left to get together in 2023, virtually at least. The holidays are a great time for it.

How good have you been at avoiding arguments this year?

With all the controversies swirling around in the world, it seems like there’s more for us to disagree about than ever. Some of us (often including me) just avoid controversial discussions, but that’s not always best since discussion and debate are how democracy survives.

There’s a better way. Deepak Chopra explains  how to disagree with someone without having it turn into an argument. Might be worth a try.

Do you expect others to make the same effort you do?

My friend was annoyed that her six employees weren’t as devoted to their jobs as she was. She ran a successful company selling clothing online, and her employees were there to pack and ship the items. They earned hourly wages to tape up packages with no career path in sight.

Too often, we expect others to bring the same passion to their work that we do even though their circumstances and desires may be quite different. Have you ever made that mistake? Conversely, has any employer ever expected unreasonable devotion from you?

December Micro-Challenge: Pick one word for 2024, if you haven’t already.

(My longtime readers may already know this process.) New Year’s resolutions are famously ineffective, but  choosing a single word to inspire and guide you through the year can lead to profound changes, especially if you keep it where you can see it. I’ve done this myself 3 of the past 4 years, and it’s made a big difference. There’s something powerful about figuring out exactly what you need and boiling it down to a single word.

This year, will you join me in choosing a word?

Grizzly bear? Cougar? Shark? If you define deadliest as that which causes the most deaths the winner is…the mosquito. This lowly creature is responsible for more than a million deaths every year by spreading diseases such as dengue fever, West Nile virus, and malaria, mostly in poor, equatorial countries. Bill Gates created “Mosquito Week,” a take off on Shark Week. (It would take sharks 100 years to kill as many people as mosquitoes do in one day, he says.)

How do you deal with mosquitoes?

December Micro-Challenge: How have your hopes and priorities changed in 2023?

When I look back at my goals from the beginning of 2023, they were pretty ambitious. But they didn’t take into account unforeseen changes in the world, and in my life as well.

This year, I feel like I need to rethink what’s doable, and also what really matters. در مورد شما چطور؟ How have your priorities and perspectives changed from a year ago? And how will that affect your planning and your goals for 2024?

If you say it often, don’t feel bad. Elon Musk said “um” 20 times in a five-minute speech. The reason I know this is that a website called Yoodli analyzed it. If you do public speaking or give presentations, or if you just want to speak more clearly and authoritatively, it’s worth checking out. You can either upload a speech that you made or practice speaking right on the site, and Yoodli’s algorithms will analyze your speech for pace, intonation, filler words, hedging words, and confidence.

If you’re wondering how often you say “um,” now you can find out.

December Micro-Challenge: Memory expert Jim Kwik says that burnout does not come from doing too much. It comes from doing too little of the things that make you come alive.

I know that’s very much true for me, and I bet it is for you, too. So, with that in mind, what are the things that when you do them they make you come alive? Can you commit to doing more of those things (or at least one of them) in 2024?

Do you tell people what you really care about?

A friend of mine picked the date for her surgery so she could attend a get-together I and her other friends had planned. But the date turned out to be inconvenient for some, and we rescheduled to a day that she couldn’t come. She didn’t tell us she’d scheduled the surgery around us. When we found out we felt bad, but it was too late.

Have you ever failed to tell someone how much something means to you? I know I have. Admitting that you really, really care about something or someone is hard. But if you don’t, people won’t know.

Now that I have a new book out, people have been telling me they’ve been thinking of writing one too. And there are a lot of great reasons to do it–to establish yourself as an expert, because you have something you’d like to say to the world, or because seeing your name on the cover of a book is a thrill unlike any other.

If you’re serious about it, with so many different ways to publish books, it’s smart to figure out  just what you want from your book before you get started. That will help you figure out which options to explore.

December Micro-Challenge: What has uselessly sucked up your energy and time in 2023?

It could be busy work that doesn’t help you reach your goals. It could be unsatisfying time spent on social media or game-playing (me and my Two Dots habit, for example). It could be endless arguments with people in your life when you know neither of you will ever convince the other.

I’m not talking about anything that makes you genuinely happy. Activities that cause joy are never a waste of time. But for those that don’t, can you commit to cutting them out, or at least cutting them down, in 2024?

It seems like everyone is playing this fun little word game every day–even Bill Gates. And there’s more. Gates also plays Quordle (four words) Octordle (eight words), and Nerdle (where you guess a simple equation instead of a word). And in Antiwordle, you have to avoid guessing the word if you can. I don’t know whether any of these games are good for our minds, but they provide a welcome distraction from the seriousness of daily life. And if Gates can take time out from fighting disease and climate change to play a game, the rest of us can too.

December Micro-Challenge: What is one thing you didn’t get enough of in 2023 that you really know you need?

Don’t answer too fast because some things we think we need (more time!) aren’t really right. A couple of weeks ago, feeling worn out by several intense work days, I decided I needed to sprawl on the sofa and watch The Crown. The Crown is great, but four episodes later I didn’t feel especially rested or refreshed — getting some exercise or talking with a friend would likely have been better.

So, really thinking about it, what is one thing you need more of in 2024? What will you do to make sure you get it?

What are the most confusing business acronyms?

You probably know what a CEO is, and you recognize the term ROI. But what about SaaS? EOL, EOD, EOM? More importantly, when you use these or any of the hundreds of other business acronyms we’re all accustomed to tossing around–do the people you’re talking with understand what you mean?

A recent report on the  most-searched acronyms suggests that not everyone understands these terms as much as we think they do, and some are secretly Googling whatever it was you said. We should all keep this in mind whenever we feel tempted to abbreviate things.

December Micro-Challenge: What is one thing about yourself that you have been hiding and can you stop hiding it in 2024?

In my case, I often hide that I get lonely and need other people. I have a friend I used to see twice a week when I rode her horse. But the horse sadly died and she’s been unwell and we’re both busy and now I haven’t seen her in months and I miss her a lot. But I can’t get myself to tell her that.

What about you? What have you not shown the world about yourself and why does it frighten you? What would happen if you did it anyway?

When should you wait and let problems solve themselves?

That’s not a very American approach, is it? We like to take action. But sometimes the best strategy is to do nothing. Last year, because of a stupid glitch, I was stuck waiting months for a tax refund. I couldn’t get the IRS on the phone. I pondered amending my taxes to skip the refund and put it toward this year’s taxes. But I decided I should wait instead.

Eventually, they paid me. I think patience, and knowing when not to take action, can sometimes be a superpower. Have you ever solved a problem by doing nothing?

Do you use the power of consistency?

Whether or not you liked the late  Queen Elizabeth II, one quality of hers stands out: Whatever was going on and however the world was changing around her, she presented the same calm, dignified air. She kept the same devotion to duty and royal discipline through the tumult of Charles and Diana’s marriage, Diana’s shocking death, Brexit, and many other scandals in between, right up to the day of her death. She also broadcast a Christmas greeting to her subjects every year from 1952 until 2021, missing only 1969.

It worked. She became a symbol of British fortitude and grace in difficult circumstances. How has consistency served you in your own life and career?

December Micro-Challenge: Self-care is super-important. So how will you up your self-care in 2024?

Is there an act of self-care you can do every day? (A hot, luxurious bath is one of mine.) How about every week? Is there something you do only out of guilt or obligation that you can decide to stop doing? That can be self-care too.

As a gift to yourself this Christmas Day, what will you do (or stop doing) every day and/or every week in 2024 to care for yourself better than you did in 2023?

What are your least favorite passive-aggressive phrases?

The same folks who brought us last week’s business acronyms also researched the passive-aggressive workplace phrases that annoy people the most. The winner? “Please advise.” That seems to be code for: “Provide me this information that I should have had long ago!”

Other top annoying phrases: “circling back,” “thanks in advance,” and “friendly reminder.” There just never is anything friendly about a “friendly reminder.” Do you ever use any of these? (I’ll confess to “thanks in advance.”)

And what are your own least favorite passive-aggressive phrases?

December Micro-Challenge: Are you in a comfort zone?

How often do you do something that is physically, mentally, or professionally challenging? Something you’re not sure you can do? It’s still important to do it because research shows pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone literally keeps your brain young. And, of course, if you never push beyond your comfort zone, you won’t accomplish as much as you could have.

Knowing this, how will you push beyond your own comfort zone in 2024? What will you do, or attempt to do, even though it’s a stretch and that you might not succeed?

How do you tackle a completely new task?

I’ve been pondering this ever since I sat down to write a keynote speech recently. I have a set procedure for writing an article, a column, or even a book. But how to write a presentation? I did not have a procedure for that.

After feeling stuck for a while, I wrote a brief outline. Then I opened Zoom just and started speaking while recording myself. After a couple of times through, I had a draft I could polish and improve. I don’t know if this is the best system, but it worked for me.

What do you do when you have to create something completely new?

Do you know the adjective order rule?

You’ve probably never heard of this rule, yet you’ve been following it all your life. Native English speakers instinctively know that, if we’re putting more than one adjective in front of a word, they belong in a specific order. Just think of an old brown boot. It would seem all wrong to call it a brown old boot. It turns out there are at least 8 different types of adjectives, and each type has its rightful place in the order. And we all know it. But we don’t know that we know it.

What are you taking care of yourself for?

I few to Toronto to give a talk at the Elevate Festival. It went great! But it was exhausting too. I woke up at 6 am ET for an early tech rehearsal. Then I flew back that same night, which meant I got to bed after 1 am PT. That was a l-o-o-ng day. Speaking to a big group is exhilarating and I was thrilled to do it. But, I realize, I need to take better care of myself so I can handle the demands of travel and standing onstage, not to mention selling and signing books.

What are you taking care of yourself so you can do?

December Micro-Challenge: Happy New Year!

Tomorrow is the first day of 2024, and this is your final December Micro-Challenge. What is your biggest goal for the year, the thing you most want to accomplish. فهمیدم؟ Good.

Now, what is the very first, very smallest step you can take toward that goal? For example, if your goal is to run a half-marathon (that’s an actual goal for someone here) the very first smallest step might be running for 5 minutes around the block. Or it might just be lacing up your running shoes. Have you chosen a first step? Good.

Now — can you commit to taking that first step in the first week of 2024?

I hope you’ve enjoyed this sampler of 365 daily Micro-Challenges. Want a new one every day? Here’s some information and a special invitation to an extended free trial. Have a mindful, fulfilling, and self-care-filled year!